More Limbo

DTD night before last and woke up to a lot of brown CM. Had to wipe 3-4 times to get all the brown CM clear of me. I thought for sure this was a sign it was over and waited for the rest of the bleeding to start.

Only it didn't.

I had taken a $1 test and it came out negative. Think maybe there was a shadow on it but maybe that was wishful thinking? The FRER was positive. About as dark as yesterday but I think less pink?

Sigh.

I am not going to test again until Tuesday. Wednesday makes a week since my first line so if nothing has changed and darkened a week later I am in trouble.

All my symptoms but being tired have gone. But that could be explained by my lack of caffeine and awful sleeping habits of late.

Oh and lots and lots of cramping.

Feeling Better

I hope this post isn't followed by one about how stupid I was for writing this post.

I am feeling pretty hopeful right now. The lines are getting darker, they are really there, that's all that matters right now.

Bloating super bad right now so I have this big ole bump. Even bigger then when I took my official 4 weeks picture earlier.

Yeah, it's gross but it's not a real bump, it's just bloat, so it's not supposed to be pretty.

It's really hitting me tonight that I am pregnant again. It feels so weird.

Please God let me be bringing home a healthy baby in April!

Limbo - 13 DPO

I don't feel pregnant. I think this is what makes me feel so worried.

I wish I knew how the start of my pregnancies felt but I can't remember and I didn't blog about early pregnancy. So even though I am not sure I am even really going to have a healthy pregnancy, here it goes.

I am exhausted. That is the biggest thing. I can sleep a solid 12 hours at night and still want to nap with the kids.

I get heartburn immediately after eating, no matter what I ate.

I have had on and off nausea, even throwing up twice so far.

Lots of bowel problems. I am either constipated or running to the bathroom.

I am terrified. I am going to the bathroom every hour just to check for blood. I know stress isn't good and I promise I am not stressing as much as it seems, but that walk down the hall to the bathroom I am telling myself in my head to expect blood.

Tomorrow I am 4 weeks. 36 more to go. Right?

Another Miscarriage?

I feel so broken right now. So unbelievably hurt and... I don't even know how to put it into words.

Today's test was not any darker then yesterday's. Say what you want, but I've been down this road more then once. If I am not getting a clear line by now it's just a matter of time before I start bleeding.

DH wants to start trying right away again. He teared up when I showed him the test. Part of me wants to try again for him and part of me wants to just give up.

It's not fair. It's not fair.

I'm Pregnant!

10 DPO - BFP?!

I guess we'll find out.

9 DPO

Almost there!

My temp was up today, down slightly from my last one but I didn't temp on time last time and it was also pretty high for me so I am not worried.

I have decided if my temp is still up tomorrow I will test, and if it drops I won't bother and I will just wait for AF to show.

Threw up last night and was feeling very sick. I am feeling sick this morning but not sure if I am really not feeling well or if it's in my head.

I am excited that in less then 24 hours I will know if I am out or still in the game, or possibly even PREGNANT!

Some of my exciting IPS for the day is another bought of heartburn. I keep getting it but I am trying to chalk it up to what I eat and not get excited.

A sign I can't explain away is this metallic taste in my mouth. I have tried eating and drinking and brushing my teeth and I cannot get the taste out of my mouth. I had this with DS #1 too so I am pretty excited!

I also have sore nipples. Normally my boobs ache before AF but they are fine, it's just my nipples that are sore.

8 DPO

I know, it's so super early, but...

BFN.

I can't help myself.

Of course now I am crampy, all last night was craving salt and chocolate.

Pretty sure AF is on her way.

It sucks. :(

I know I said this last month, but I REALLY thought this was going to be my month.

I mean really, how can it take ME more then 4 months to try? Me whose gotten pregnant 4 times on accident with DH, who only had to try for 3 months and got twins? I know I get annoyed when people say how fertile I am all the time, but I never thought I was ever going to have any trouble.

I know 5 months isn't a huge amount of time, and I know technically AF isn't here yet.

But it feels like a long time, and I am pretty sure AF is definitely coming. :(

7 DPO

Big temp jump today. Fingers crossed!!!

6 DPO

Starting to feel out. I know it's early yet but I am cramping, my skin is breaking out, and I am craving salt and chocolate.

Yeah. Not good signs.

I stopped temping once O was confirmed. I told Rob I'd stop obsessing.

The only good thing is if it doesn't work out, next month I have a shot at a May EDD, and I will officially have made the recommended 18 months in between births (unless of course it ends up being twins and I go early).

Even though I would love a May EDD, the thought of not being pregnant this month is kind of soul crushing. I mean seriously, to even think having to say the words (well type lol):

"AF came, on to cycle #5."

Breaks my heart a little.

Cycle #5? Really?

I know I still have 5 days until AF, but I just feel like things weren't going so well this cycle as far as CM volume, the lack of, and slow temp rise.

I know we'll know soon enough but part of me is just sure it's not going to happen this cycle. :(

4 DPO!

FF finally confirmed O! I am worried the lack of much fertile CM and the low temps mean a poor quality egg but I am still hopeful.

Testing probably in a week!

Frustrated

I knew there was a stigma for those who already have several kids and who are TTC.

That their journey is less heart breaking or meaningful because they have BTDT.

I know because I saw a friend with 4 girls try for 3 years to conceive again.

So it's not surprising that I am getting it now. That people think because I already have 3 I am not deserving of their prayers or their support.

It's most annoying to me because I have always felt no matter how many you want, you deserve to have that many. I have sent just as many prayers for those trying for their 7th, 2nd, or 5th, as those trying for their first.

Not saying I am perfect. Just saying it's annoying not everyone can share that view point. Especially when it comes from someone currently pregnant with their second on their FIRST month trying, not someone who has never conceived at all and might have a little tiny bit of right to say something like that to me.

A Quote To Remember

The same friend I mentioned last post told me this today, and I wanted to write it down so I don't forget it.

I am going to be pregnant eventually. It is going to happen. So every month that goes by, it means I'm one cycle closer to when it *is* going to happen.

Friends Who Get It

Talking to a friend today about my 4 month blues. For once I feel like someone really got what I was talking about with the stigma of 4-5 months.

She told me 50% of women get pregnant within the first 3 months. Another 10% by 6 months. And another 30%, bringing it up to 90% by 12 months.

She has been trying 2 years next month, but the longest she's been trying is 4 months. Let me explain, she gets pregnant but miscarries early, within 2 months most times. The longest she has gone between pregnancies is 4 months.

So she was able to relate to my 4 month blues. Going past 3 months and no longer being in the 50% category. Getting to that point where the voice in your head starts saying you're no longer in the normal range. Maybe something is wrong.

For as long as she has tried she gets pregnant fairly easily. She recently discovered she has a disorder preventing long term pregnancy and will need to have shots or perhaps a pill every day to keep her pregnancy. But even with all that she can still sit with me and say yeah, when I get to 4 months it's hard. It's the point I start to worry.

Got a temp dip today so we'll see if it's O. Fingers crossed!

Feeling Down

I'm so bummed. I feel bad even complaining because most of my friends have tried longer to have a baby then I have. I just feel like, why is this happening?

I should have been 4 or 5 months along right now. Having my ultrasound, either finding out the gender or happy that we resisted the urge.

And yet here I am. Miserable, gushing blood. Left with an empty uterus. It just hurts. TTC sucked when it took 3 months with the twins. I was hoping to never have to do it again.

And now here we are, month 4. Please God let this be the last month.

On To Cycle #4

Really surprised to even be writing that. I was so sure I was pregnant I was thinking whether or not I go to my old OB or pick a new one.

Sigh.