CD 11

Temp: 97.8

Bummed out today. This time last year I was miscarrying. DH had been so excited about the baby, probably the most excited he's ever been, and he'd told everyone at work. And here we are, still not pregnant. A month away from the 1 year TTC mark.

I asked DH tonight if he thought we'd get pregnant this month and he was quiet for a moment and then was like, "Honestly... no. I don't want to be negative, just going off of history. We haven't gotten pregnant yet so why would we get pregnant this month?"

He finally agrees something has to be wrong. He keeps insisting it could still be something wrong with him too, not just me. I don't believe that. I think it's me. But still makes me sad to see even DH has given up hope.

CD 12

I am crap at reading CM. This is all just a guess. Maybe I will even take it out. Seemed watery to me today. Why can't it just be like purple for watery, white for egg white, blue for creamy, etc etc. Right?!?!

We DTD last night. I was worried it would hurt and it was uncomfortable at first, but then we changed positions and it was better.

Thinking my odds of a BFP this month are ZERO. Not even putting myself in the mindset that this cycle will result in a BFP at all.

CD 6

I just had to throw away another pair of underwear because there was so much blood on it after cleaning. Currently sitting on a black towel with some mesh disposable panties and a pad. At least if I bleed on the towel you can't see the stain.

Sigh. I really really hate this. Won't be surprised if I don't ovulate this cycle.

Part of me wants to break down and cry but I just won't allow myself. I can't do it right now I have too much to do.

Not going to temp today because me and DH will be sleeping in a little in anticipation of my mom coming to visit and everything else I still need to do today. My body needs to rest. I don't think not temping will hurt anything because clearly I am no where near ovulating right now.

Just need to hold it together until after Christmas. Then I can fall apart. A little. Not too much. But a little.

CD 5 & The OB

So last night before I went to bed I had a big gush. Again.

I ran to the bathroom where I passed a clot about the size of a rectangular eraser, this if you can't picture it:

I didn't think that was a good thing but I just went to bed and told DH, who was asleep and not listening to me.

This morning I woke up with his alarm to temp. When I was done I rolled from my side to my back and felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom but this one wasn't too bad thank goodness. No need to change my clothes or scrub the bathroom. Then something catches my eye. About a foot and a half in front of the toilet is blood splattered on the wall!!! It is dried, so I know it came from the big clot last night (that thing splattered all over and I thought I had gotten it all).

I call DH in and at this point he is like that's not normal. I am started to be in a lot of pain. Before I passed the clot last night I was having to verbalize through the cramps they got so bad. So he has me call my OB (this is like 6 am at this point). I leave a message. At 6:30 the nurse calls me back and says if I can make it in right at 8 she will see me.

So DH calls his boss and lets him know I need to go to the Dr.

Right before we go I am kind of waffling at this point like do we NEED to go to the Dr because this is cutting into our fun money for mom's visit right now. And I am laying in bed because of the pain and I roll to my stomach and... gush.

I reach down instantly and my hand comes up bloody.

Let me tell you, there was so much blood I just had to throw my underwear away. It was not ever going to come out no matter how I washed it. My hands were covered in blood.

Went to the Dr and long story short, the urine test came up negative so she did the +/- blood test and it came up negative. However she said with all the bleeding I had I most likely have passed everything and to HER, it sounds like I miscarried. She said that that much bleeding is NOT normal for anyone and if it keeps going like this and doesn't lighten up in 24 hours I need to go be seen by the hospital.

I mean telling you I lost 6 cups of blood last night and this morning would be an underestimate. It was a LOT of blood. She offered to do a beta but I declined. More money I don't want to spend. At this point it doesn't matter whether I was or wasn't pregnant. Clearly it's far too late to save anything.

She again pushed me to get on the pill (balance things out) and I again explained that we do not want to use the pill. After last time I am pretty sure she's put me on her, "Tell her to find a new OB list" but whatever.

So that was my morning so far. Going to mark the chart as a suspected miscarriage from last month and just work on getting my LP extended.

Temp today was 96.93.

Fears

I literally just gushed so bad I had to change my clothes. I then had to clean the toilet, twice, trying to get all the blood out. Looked like I murdered someone and it would not stop gushing.

I am really starting to think with those high temp spikes 7 and 8 dpo that something might have implanted and my LP was just too short.

I won't call it a loss without a BFP. I know some people go off of gut instinct and that is perfectly fine. But I just need the confirmation before I can accept it. But it looks very suspicious.

I don't know.

I was talking to a friend last night about why I was dragging my feet with the vitex.

Honestly I am just as afraid to get pregnant as I am hurting because I am not pregnant. I am so afraid of taking something that helps me get pregnant, but doesn't help me stay pregnant and I just keep miscarrying.

On the same hand I want it so bad the thought of taking a month off is just not something I think I can do. I mean sure, I can sit here with AF and tell you I'd wait. But as soon as I started to get ready to ovulate I would give in. DH does not want to stop trying so I of course have him saying we need to do it because I might be fertile. I don't think he could stop trying and keep me strong anymore then I could for myself honestly.

I really hate this whole process. Not sure I can say it enough. So much love and respect to those who deal with this for years. Especially those with kids who still try for years.

I think I'd have more resolve if we didn't have kids already. But since we have 3 I keep going why am I putting myself through all this? And then I hear a pregnancy announcement and it's like being punched in the chest and all I can think is I need to be pregnant!

Someday this will all be a bad memory, right?

2nd EDD, One Left To Go

Today was another EDD. I am trying not to dwell on it but I am pissed, angry.

Can't stop crying.

Just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!

I don't want to be like this, I HATE this!

When "When" Becomes "If"

I told a friend tonight "if" we're ever blessed again with a child.

I wasn't even thinking about it.

In fact it didn't hit me until just now, about an hour later.

And I realized. I have given up.

I don't actually feel like it's going to happen any minute now.

I have peed on one stick in 3 months and that was only because I was hoping it would bring AF on (it did), not because I thought it would be positive (it wasn't).

I had a dream awhile ago. I told a few friends about. But I told them a different version. The version I told them went like this:

I peed on a stick, it was positive. It was only half as dark as the control line and I showed my mom and she was SO happy. Jumping up and down and just thrilled. I peed on 3 more with DH there and he was so happy and each test would be twice as dark as the last.

And then DH woke me up and dream over.

But this is how the dream really went:

I was bleeding and I peed on a stick. It came up half as dark as the control line but I showed my mom and she was really happy. I told DH and I peed on 3 more. Each was darker then the next and as I laid the 3 down on the counter next to the first one (so it was 4 in a row) there was so much blood on them that I had to wipe away the blood to even see the result. I kept saying "but I'm bleeding" and DH in my dream kept saying "but look how dark they are!".

And then DH woke me up.

Maybe I am reading too much into it but I felt like each test symbolized a miscarriage. Now it could be argued that me and DH already had 4 so maybe that was it. Or it could mean 4 in a row since I laid them all out in a row which means I am in for one more.

Or it could mean I am in for 4 more.

Or it could just be a dream and I am reading way too much into it.

Cycle #8. Just seems way too close to 1 year. :(

Estimated

November 16th.

December 7th.

April 14th.

My EDD's for my 3 miscarriages of 2012.

Please let there not be anymore this year.

And Again

Remember this?

It happened again.

She is due when I was due with my first miscarriage since the twins.

And now another cousin's girlfriend, whose child is not 1 yet, just announced they are expecting in April.

You know, the month I was due in before my miscarriage a little over a month ago?

I try so hard not to be bitter and mean. That's not who I want to be.

But it really hurts. Why couldn't that be me? Why do I miscarry and my cousins and their wives don't?

It isn't fair.

I just want to be pregnant again. I want to bring another beautiful soul into our family. I want to give my kids another sibling to grow with.

I feel like a complete failure that I can't do this now.

Dear Body, WTH Are You Doing?!

So no spotting for awhile and all was well.

And then of course today I spot.

I think we might just take a DTD break for a few weeks since the spotting is happening after we DTD. Hopefully that will be the end.

We have officially agreed to NTNP until December, where we will resume charting and full on TTC again.

If it happens in that time period, awesome. If not I am ok too. I just can't handle the trying and the failing. Taking the pressure off. Right now it's easy because I am focusing on the move, hopefully later in the month I can focus on potty training DS #1, and after that birthday preparations and Christmas shopping I guess.

Time moves so fast and yet I have a feeling without charting and day counting and symptom spotting to focus on these next months are going to drag. Hopefully not, but that's what I am feeling.

The Blues

I haven't spoken too much about it here. I mean clearly I am devastated by the recent loss.

But I have at least told DH.

I am depressed.

I have a hard time getting myself out of bed. I am so checked out right now and poor DS #1 is really at an age where he notices and he's been very unhappy. This past weekend I could barely get out of my bed and he was crying at the door begging for me and I just felt like the most awful mom in the world.

I wish it didn't effect me this bad. I wish I could say this isn't working out and it's making me depressed so I'll just stop trying and think about something else.

Trust me I've tried. But unless I shut off FB and stop talking to all my friends and don't watch TV, and avoid ever leaving the house, pregnancy and TTC is going to be constantly thrown in my face.

It physically hurts me to see ultrasounds, and bump pictures, and pregnancy updates. I want it so bad I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't. I wish I was still in the mindset pre March where I was so done having kids for a few years. I don't understand why I had to go through that. Why couldn't I have just NOT gotten pregnant? You know, like the birth control was SUPPOSED to do.

I really feel had I not had that loss, and especially the one the next month, I would never have started TTC so soon. Which wouldn't have lead to 4 months of stress and another miscarriage, which wouldn't lead to almost a month of bleeding, which wouldn't lead to me sitting here at the end of cycle #5 crying because I just don't think it's ever going to happen and I don't know what the right choice is.

I can't shut that voice up in the back of my head that tells me everyone is glad it's taking me a long time to get a sticky pregnancy since most of my friends have struggled at one time or the other TTC, and I got twins so it's only fair right?

I just hate this process. I never realized how lonely it feels even when you know other people struggling to conceive or stay pregnant as well.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!

Checked the pregnancy thread on a message board I used to post on.

I knew I shouldn't have but I thought I was ok.

I was so hesitant to join it. I kept telling her not to add my ticker because I was afraid it would jinx me.

I found out she did indeed add it the day I miscarried.

I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her, at all.

But damn that hurt to see.

And then it gets worse.

I didn't tell them until 2 weeks later that I had miscarried.

And I just read a response from one of them.

She said I must be the most fertile person in the world.

God that pisses me off. Before this baby I'd still miscarried 5 others. I only had 2 pregnancies make it to term. I am NOT even CLOSE to the most fertile person in the world.

Maybe getting pregnant counts as being really fertile but it doesn't mean shit if I miscarry! I'd rather have a really hard time getting pregnant then keep miscarrying and trying and miscarrying and trying.

It hurts so bad it's like a hole in my chest. A painful empty vortex and I can't breathe and I just want to scream and cry that it's not fair and I am not fertile I am BROKEN!!!

What I'm Feeling

Hurt. It hurts so unbelievably much to see friends pregnant bellies and ultrasounds and hear them talk about pregnancy cravings.

Getting some fertility signs made me have to face whether or not we were going to try or prevent this cycle much sooner then I was expecting. I mean this is normal, but I thought ovulation might be delayed with the loss.

So here's what it comes down to:

I want a baby so bad it hurts. I want to be hugely pregnant. I want to see the little one on the ultrasound.

I want to fight for and successfully have a VBAC.

I want a little newborn (or two) to complete our family. Maybe for forever, maybe just for a few years.

But:

I am terrified of getting pregnant and losing it again.

I am worried this is not a good time.

I am worried even if it is the right time my family won't see it that way.

I guess those last 2 reasons kind of are all the same worry. It's mostly #1 I am worried about.

So what do I do?

I honestly don't know. I think my brain is leaning towards waiting, but my heart is leaning towards trying. I guess I'll let DH be the one to decide which part wins.

A Week

It's been a week now. Getting easier? A little.

I still cry at the drop of a hat.

Things have been stressful around here and I know my crazy emotions are to blame.

I guess the good part is having the kids to focus on. I am sure they are enjoying all the extra loving and attention they are getting.

Been keeping busy with my new hobby as well. After my orders are done DH said I can do the entire alphabet to help teach DS #1 his letters. He loves playing with them so I know he will love it. I am thinking rainbow order for sure.

I am happy to have a new hobby. Hopefully people will keep putting in orders. That would be great.

Nothing else new to report. Still moving forward. One dragging foot step at a time.

Yesterday

My cousin's wife announced she was 5 months pregnant yesterday. She conceived when her first was just 8 months old.

Like how the twins are now.

I am not sure why but it hit me really really hard. My very heart beat in my chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. I started shaking and crying and I just laid in bed and didn't get up again for about 7 hours. It took until tonight to start feeling better to be honest.

It still hurts so much it leaves me gasping for air. Doesn't help that despite light bleeding yesterday I was having very very painful cramps. Today I had a few I had to stop talking and just breathe through. And my bleeding picked up a lot today. I know it's normal for me to bleed longer with chemical pregnancies but I guess I was hoping it would be completely gone today after how light it was yesterday.

I've been talking to DH a lot about how I feel, trying to keep him in the loop. I tend to want to just be left alone when going through this but I know that makes it hard on him.

We decided that we're just going to leave it to God. No more temping or charting. If I reach CD 40 I will test. If AF comes it comes. I am not ready to try again but I am not ready to prevent either. So we're leaving it up to God. He will decide when it's time.

Right now I am not thinking too much about it. I don't think it will be this month anyway so I don't want to think on it too much. Enough disappointment already.

Hardest Yet?

Maybe this sounds bad, but I am glad that no pregnancies worked out before DH. I really believe my life would be so much worse had I not lost the 2 babies, either father is truly not a good person, not just an immature guy but just plain not a good person. One became a drug dealer and one was accused of rape a few years later.

So those weren't really hard. More relief. It wasn't right.

My first loss while married to DH was pretty hard. I guess part of me thought after having DS #1 I wouldn't go through that again. So it was a shock. But we were both unemployed and living with my dad and I know I definitely was not ready to do it again.

After the twins, that first loss was really hard. I was shocked. We had an entire week of being shocked, and then just when I started to get excited, it was over. And it was SO hard. When it happened again the next cycle I was in disbelief. But I also figured my body just wasn't ready and this was why.

All my losses were accidents. Babies I had to recover from huge shock from before I was happy.

This time however, we'd been trying for 4 months. We were sure we wanted this. When I first saw the lines getting darker those first 2 days I was ecstatic. I danced around the living room with DS #2 and DD #1. I cheered, I was over the moon.

And then on day 3 my test wasn't as dark as I was expecting it to be. I was devastated. But later I did allow myself to be convinced it was getting darker. And I began to hope again.

But then I started spotting. And I was crushed. I know I spotted with the twins but it was less then this. And I had a super dark BFP to give me hope.

And then of course I started really bleeding. And the anger set in. Not only did I try the longest I have ever had to try for this baby, but I was losing it. Not only had I had the brief moments of ecstasy, but now I was mourning it.

It's left me feeling so angry and broken. It's a new level of pain. I always told myself with my other losses I didn't have much room to complain because after all, it wasn't like the losses my friends had had where they'd been trying for months. My losses couldn't compare to theirs.

And of course no ones loss can really compare to someone else's.

But now I know this pain. I know the pain of trying and wishing and hoping and OBSESSING and the  pure excitement of a hard earned BFP, only to have it all taken away from you.

And I am not sure how to be "normal" again now. Yet another piece of innocence stolen from an experience that most people get to take for granted.

Just An Update

I've been pretty sick the past 2 days. I haven't managed to keep anything down, not even crackers.

DH got up at 3 am because I felt hungry and went to the store for me. Yesterday morning I woke up to the living room picked up so that I could just vacuum when I was up. He's also let me go to bed as soon as he gets off work and he takes the kids, feeds them, and puts them to bed.

He hasn't acted particularly sad but these things show me he's hurting and wanting to make things better for me. Every night he has come in and held me while I cried however.

He told me this morning he was really sad, and then walked away. But mostly he just keeps saying that it's going to happen. We will have another baby someday.

I am not sure I believe that any more. But we did decide something.

CD 1 - Goodbye Baby

I was very hopeful.

I was nervous to test. Wondering if I should put it off another day.

In the end I decided to just get it over with.

A lot of times I will wipe before I test, just to check for blood so I don't waste a test.

This time I didn't.

So of course when yet another faint line showed, and I was disappointed and went to wipe, there was a bunch of red blood to make it all that much worse.

Honestly I am relieved the limbo is over, but I am so numb and upset right now. I know that doesn't make any sense because when you're numb you shouldn't feel anything. But it's more that I am so upset I can't even let myself feel right now.

I knew in my heart when those lines didn't darken as much as I hoped it wasn't going to work but I wanted it so bad and every line that got darker and every day that went by without bleeding I became more and more hopeful.

I feel so completely empty.

Another Miscarriage?

I feel so broken right now. So unbelievably hurt and... I don't even know how to put it into words.

Today's test was not any darker then yesterday's. Say what you want, but I've been down this road more then once. If I am not getting a clear line by now it's just a matter of time before I start bleeding.

DH wants to start trying right away again. He teared up when I showed him the test. Part of me wants to try again for him and part of me wants to just give up.

It's not fair. It's not fair.