Yesterday

My cousin's wife announced she was 5 months pregnant yesterday. She conceived when her first was just 8 months old.

Like how the twins are now.

I am not sure why but it hit me really really hard. My very heart beat in my chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. I started shaking and crying and I just laid in bed and didn't get up again for about 7 hours. It took until tonight to start feeling better to be honest.

It still hurts so much it leaves me gasping for air. Doesn't help that despite light bleeding yesterday I was having very very painful cramps. Today I had a few I had to stop talking and just breathe through. And my bleeding picked up a lot today. I know it's normal for me to bleed longer with chemical pregnancies but I guess I was hoping it would be completely gone today after how light it was yesterday.

I've been talking to DH a lot about how I feel, trying to keep him in the loop. I tend to want to just be left alone when going through this but I know that makes it hard on him.

We decided that we're just going to leave it to God. No more temping or charting. If I reach CD 40 I will test. If AF comes it comes. I am not ready to try again but I am not ready to prevent either. So we're leaving it up to God. He will decide when it's time.

Right now I am not thinking too much about it. I don't think it will be this month anyway so I don't want to think on it too much. Enough disappointment already.

Hardest Yet?

Maybe this sounds bad, but I am glad that no pregnancies worked out before DH. I really believe my life would be so much worse had I not lost the 2 babies, either father is truly not a good person, not just an immature guy but just plain not a good person. One became a drug dealer and one was accused of rape a few years later.

So those weren't really hard. More relief. It wasn't right.

My first loss while married to DH was pretty hard. I guess part of me thought after having DS #1 I wouldn't go through that again. So it was a shock. But we were both unemployed and living with my dad and I know I definitely was not ready to do it again.

After the twins, that first loss was really hard. I was shocked. We had an entire week of being shocked, and then just when I started to get excited, it was over. And it was SO hard. When it happened again the next cycle I was in disbelief. But I also figured my body just wasn't ready and this was why.

All my losses were accidents. Babies I had to recover from huge shock from before I was happy.

This time however, we'd been trying for 4 months. We were sure we wanted this. When I first saw the lines getting darker those first 2 days I was ecstatic. I danced around the living room with DS #2 and DD #1. I cheered, I was over the moon.

And then on day 3 my test wasn't as dark as I was expecting it to be. I was devastated. But later I did allow myself to be convinced it was getting darker. And I began to hope again.

But then I started spotting. And I was crushed. I know I spotted with the twins but it was less then this. And I had a super dark BFP to give me hope.

And then of course I started really bleeding. And the anger set in. Not only did I try the longest I have ever had to try for this baby, but I was losing it. Not only had I had the brief moments of ecstasy, but now I was mourning it.

It's left me feeling so angry and broken. It's a new level of pain. I always told myself with my other losses I didn't have much room to complain because after all, it wasn't like the losses my friends had had where they'd been trying for months. My losses couldn't compare to theirs.

And of course no ones loss can really compare to someone else's.

But now I know this pain. I know the pain of trying and wishing and hoping and OBSESSING and the  pure excitement of a hard earned BFP, only to have it all taken away from you.

And I am not sure how to be "normal" again now. Yet another piece of innocence stolen from an experience that most people get to take for granted.

Just An Update

I've been pretty sick the past 2 days. I haven't managed to keep anything down, not even crackers.

DH got up at 3 am because I felt hungry and went to the store for me. Yesterday morning I woke up to the living room picked up so that I could just vacuum when I was up. He's also let me go to bed as soon as he gets off work and he takes the kids, feeds them, and puts them to bed.

He hasn't acted particularly sad but these things show me he's hurting and wanting to make things better for me. Every night he has come in and held me while I cried however.

He told me this morning he was really sad, and then walked away. But mostly he just keeps saying that it's going to happen. We will have another baby someday.

I am not sure I believe that any more. But we did decide something.

CD 1 - Goodbye Baby

I was very hopeful.

I was nervous to test. Wondering if I should put it off another day.

In the end I decided to just get it over with.

A lot of times I will wipe before I test, just to check for blood so I don't waste a test.

This time I didn't.

So of course when yet another faint line showed, and I was disappointed and went to wipe, there was a bunch of red blood to make it all that much worse.

Honestly I am relieved the limbo is over, but I am so numb and upset right now. I know that doesn't make any sense because when you're numb you shouldn't feel anything. But it's more that I am so upset I can't even let myself feel right now.

I knew in my heart when those lines didn't darken as much as I hoped it wasn't going to work but I wanted it so bad and every line that got darker and every day that went by without bleeding I became more and more hopeful.

I feel so completely empty.

More Limbo

DTD night before last and woke up to a lot of brown CM. Had to wipe 3-4 times to get all the brown CM clear of me. I thought for sure this was a sign it was over and waited for the rest of the bleeding to start.

Only it didn't.

I had taken a $1 test and it came out negative. Think maybe there was a shadow on it but maybe that was wishful thinking? The FRER was positive. About as dark as yesterday but I think less pink?

Sigh.

I am not going to test again until Tuesday. Wednesday makes a week since my first line so if nothing has changed and darkened a week later I am in trouble.

All my symptoms but being tired have gone. But that could be explained by my lack of caffeine and awful sleeping habits of late.

Oh and lots and lots of cramping.

Feeling Better

I hope this post isn't followed by one about how stupid I was for writing this post.

I am feeling pretty hopeful right now. The lines are getting darker, they are really there, that's all that matters right now.

Bloating super bad right now so I have this big ole bump. Even bigger then when I took my official 4 weeks picture earlier.

Yeah, it's gross but it's not a real bump, it's just bloat, so it's not supposed to be pretty.

It's really hitting me tonight that I am pregnant again. It feels so weird.

Please God let me be bringing home a healthy baby in April!

Limbo - 13 DPO

I don't feel pregnant. I think this is what makes me feel so worried.

I wish I knew how the start of my pregnancies felt but I can't remember and I didn't blog about early pregnancy. So even though I am not sure I am even really going to have a healthy pregnancy, here it goes.

I am exhausted. That is the biggest thing. I can sleep a solid 12 hours at night and still want to nap with the kids.

I get heartburn immediately after eating, no matter what I ate.

I have had on and off nausea, even throwing up twice so far.

Lots of bowel problems. I am either constipated or running to the bathroom.

I am terrified. I am going to the bathroom every hour just to check for blood. I know stress isn't good and I promise I am not stressing as much as it seems, but that walk down the hall to the bathroom I am telling myself in my head to expect blood.

Tomorrow I am 4 weeks. 36 more to go. Right?

Another Miscarriage?

I feel so broken right now. So unbelievably hurt and... I don't even know how to put it into words.

Today's test was not any darker then yesterday's. Say what you want, but I've been down this road more then once. If I am not getting a clear line by now it's just a matter of time before I start bleeding.

DH wants to start trying right away again. He teared up when I showed him the test. Part of me wants to try again for him and part of me wants to just give up.

It's not fair. It's not fair.

I'm Pregnant!

10 DPO - BFP?!

I guess we'll find out.