CD 7

Didn't temp again. DD #1 has decided things are far too exciting around here with my mom visiting and she couldn't possible sleep so she was up screaming a lot last night. I'm so tired.

I am still having gushes but they are further in between. The bleeding is slowing, but still heavy. Still passing small clots.

Still trying not to feel anything right now but it's hard when you just feel so cheated.

CD 6

I just had to throw away another pair of underwear because there was so much blood on it after cleaning. Currently sitting on a black towel with some mesh disposable panties and a pad. At least if I bleed on the towel you can't see the stain.

Sigh. I really really hate this. Won't be surprised if I don't ovulate this cycle.

Part of me wants to break down and cry but I just won't allow myself. I can't do it right now I have too much to do.

Not going to temp today because me and DH will be sleeping in a little in anticipation of my mom coming to visit and everything else I still need to do today. My body needs to rest. I don't think not temping will hurt anything because clearly I am no where near ovulating right now.

Just need to hold it together until after Christmas. Then I can fall apart. A little. Not too much. But a little.

CD 5 & The OB

So last night before I went to bed I had a big gush. Again.

I ran to the bathroom where I passed a clot about the size of a rectangular eraser, this if you can't picture it:

I didn't think that was a good thing but I just went to bed and told DH, who was asleep and not listening to me.

This morning I woke up with his alarm to temp. When I was done I rolled from my side to my back and felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom but this one wasn't too bad thank goodness. No need to change my clothes or scrub the bathroom. Then something catches my eye. About a foot and a half in front of the toilet is blood splattered on the wall!!! It is dried, so I know it came from the big clot last night (that thing splattered all over and I thought I had gotten it all).

I call DH in and at this point he is like that's not normal. I am started to be in a lot of pain. Before I passed the clot last night I was having to verbalize through the cramps they got so bad. So he has me call my OB (this is like 6 am at this point). I leave a message. At 6:30 the nurse calls me back and says if I can make it in right at 8 she will see me.

So DH calls his boss and lets him know I need to go to the Dr.

Right before we go I am kind of waffling at this point like do we NEED to go to the Dr because this is cutting into our fun money for mom's visit right now. And I am laying in bed because of the pain and I roll to my stomach and... gush.

I reach down instantly and my hand comes up bloody.

Let me tell you, there was so much blood I just had to throw my underwear away. It was not ever going to come out no matter how I washed it. My hands were covered in blood.

Went to the Dr and long story short, the urine test came up negative so she did the +/- blood test and it came up negative. However she said with all the bleeding I had I most likely have passed everything and to HER, it sounds like I miscarried. She said that that much bleeding is NOT normal for anyone and if it keeps going like this and doesn't lighten up in 24 hours I need to go be seen by the hospital.

I mean telling you I lost 6 cups of blood last night and this morning would be an underestimate. It was a LOT of blood. She offered to do a beta but I declined. More money I don't want to spend. At this point it doesn't matter whether I was or wasn't pregnant. Clearly it's far too late to save anything.

She again pushed me to get on the pill (balance things out) and I again explained that we do not want to use the pill. After last time I am pretty sure she's put me on her, "Tell her to find a new OB list" but whatever.

So that was my morning so far. Going to mark the chart as a suspected miscarriage from last month and just work on getting my LP extended.

Temp today was 96.93.

Fears

I literally just gushed so bad I had to change my clothes. I then had to clean the toilet, twice, trying to get all the blood out. Looked like I murdered someone and it would not stop gushing.

I am really starting to think with those high temp spikes 7 and 8 dpo that something might have implanted and my LP was just too short.

I won't call it a loss without a BFP. I know some people go off of gut instinct and that is perfectly fine. But I just need the confirmation before I can accept it. But it looks very suspicious.

I don't know.

I was talking to a friend last night about why I was dragging my feet with the vitex.

Honestly I am just as afraid to get pregnant as I am hurting because I am not pregnant. I am so afraid of taking something that helps me get pregnant, but doesn't help me stay pregnant and I just keep miscarrying.

On the same hand I want it so bad the thought of taking a month off is just not something I think I can do. I mean sure, I can sit here with AF and tell you I'd wait. But as soon as I started to get ready to ovulate I would give in. DH does not want to stop trying so I of course have him saying we need to do it because I might be fertile. I don't think he could stop trying and keep me strong anymore then I could for myself honestly.

I really hate this whole process. Not sure I can say it enough. So much love and respect to those who deal with this for years. Especially those with kids who still try for years.

I think I'd have more resolve if we didn't have kids already. But since we have 3 I keep going why am I putting myself through all this? And then I hear a pregnancy announcement and it's like being punched in the chest and all I can think is I need to be pregnant!

Someday this will all be a bad memory, right?

CD 4

So if you haven't caught on yet I am going to try to do daily updates. To be honest I usually just forget about this blog because TTC is mostly boring and I try not to obsess but I hope it will keep me temping daily and not giving up.

I need to put up a post about how I am feeling emotionally right now soon just so I can get it out but I have things to do right now so, later!

Today's chart. Temp was 97.03.

CD 3

Still pretty upset from AF showing and still having such messed up cycles. I still just can't believe I am here. I feel bad saying it but anyone would think with my history my only worry was going to be a miscarriage, not struggling to conceive in the first place.

I was talking to Rob last night. I knew he was excited about Tinsel (our new cat) and was kind of using her as our vicarious baby. But when he said today when he told me he wasn't sad that we're now 9 cycles in to this journey and still not pregnant I got upset and told him it felt like he didn't care and that he was making it seem like this was not something he really wanted.

He paused the TV and turned to me and was quiet for a minute and he goes, "I'm trying to protect myself. If I think about it, if I let myself get my hopes up every month, I would be depressed right now. I don't want to think about it because I don't want to think something might be wrong and we're not going to have another baby. So I am doing whatever it takes so that it's not bringing me down every month when it doesn't happen. I do want another baby, and I am going to be so excited when it happens. But until then I just can't think about it."

Kind of reaffirmed to me that he does want this, calm the insecurities and hormones. He's in this with me even if he needs to try to feel it the least amount as possible to protect himself.

In other news, here is my chart for today, temp was 97.73:

CD 2

Didn't temp today. Decided to give myself a day to sleep in. I will get back to it tomorrow.

Here is my chart for today. Bleeding definitely picked up. Pain picked up. Looks like it will be a normal AF. Hopefully not too long.

Not confident this will be my month even a little. Not going to get my hopes up.

It was too hard when AF showed.

So just going to assume it won't be any time soon.

Giving up without giving up.

Or let me say it this way. Giving up hope but not giving up trying.

CD 1 - AF

Temp drop and bleeding. AF is here.

I had my time to cry yesterday morning when it felt like AF was here so today I am just determined. I am going to get some vitex and really try to fix whatever is going wrong here.

On to cycle #9.

2nd EDD, One Left To Go

Today was another EDD. I am trying not to dwell on it but I am pissed, angry.

Can't stop crying.

Just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!

I don't want to be like this, I HATE this!

I Hope It Works!!

Some friends got together and got me this! I love it!

I really really hope I get my Christmas miracle this month!!!