The Verge Of Tears

I've been trying not to think about it. Trying to stay strong.

But it's exhausting. I have a constant feeling of wanting to cry.

It's right there in the background. My eyes water, a lump wells up in my throat. Anything even slightly emotional will make me cry. It's ridiculous.

I know I should be thankful it was just AF and not another loss. I know I should be thankful I have not been trying nearly as long as so many people.

I know all that and yet... the tears want to come.

I want to just sit and sob and whine about how unfair it is.

God I want to smack myself just reading that because it's so not me. I am not that person. And yet this is what trying is turning me into. Someone I don't want to be.

But I don't want to give up. What does that solve? Nothing except I'll be whining about wanting a baby and not even trying to have one.

I don't want it to be such a big focus, and trust me during the day with the kids it's so not. But at night, once everyone is in bed, all I can think about as I lay there is that my uterus is empty. That I am empty. And I hate feeling this way.