CD 35 - Teased

About a week ago I decided to POAS late at night. I'd been feeling pregnant despite wonky temps but I didn't honestly expect to get a line.

Except I did. Very faint, but both DH and I could see a line within the 5 minute mark. I took a picture around the 10 minute mark and sent it to 2 friends, who also saw a line.

I opened it up and there was no indent line. I thought this might finally be it.

But the next few days all other tests were negative. I expected the worst, another miscarriage, and yet here I am, a week later with no spotting or bleeding or anything.

I really thought that the girls saying they were getting lines without indents were just looking at the tests too long out of the time window. But no, FRER is indeed throwing out false positives.

Here is a picture of the test today to show you how dark the second line was:

So it was super disappointing that we got fooled, but at the same time I am glad it was not another loss.

We have decided NOT to take a break, but to keep trying.

We're moving this weekend and we haven't decided when we want to set up the new internet so who knows when you will see me next.

My 1 year mark is April 8th and it is beyond annoying that I probably won't even be on my 12th cycle by the time my 12th month of TTC completes. Most women get more chances to try because they have short or regular cycles. Having long cycles and TTC the same amount of time but with less tries to get pregnant is beyond aggravating.

CD 22 - A Break

Oh boy. The last few days. Let me tell you.

DH came to me and told me after this cycle he no longer wanted to continue TTC.

At first I was so angry. This completely blindsided me and I did not know where it was coming from.

When I finally calmed down and we talked about it he explained he wanted to wait until we were done moving and settled in and knew how much his raise he just got was (we find out Thursday, they won't tell them ahead of time because they don't want people comparing raises).

We decided to for sure take next cycle off.

Even though I am only 11 cycles in, thanks to long cycles I am about to hit my 1 year mark off TTC. 12 months, 11 cycles, 1 miscarriage.

Really really shitty numbers.

And as much as I hate to admit defeat and stop trying, I think we do need a break. My mom is coming out to give us a little break to be a couple and go do fun stuff while we have a baby sitter.

While there is still a chance I am could be pregnant (I think I am in the 2ww now based on CM but I haven't been temping) I am not holding my breath. I full expect to hit the one year mark of TTC not even pregnant.

So that's what is going on right now.

CD 11

Temp: 97.8

Bummed out today. This time last year I was miscarrying. DH had been so excited about the baby, probably the most excited he's ever been, and he'd told everyone at work. And here we are, still not pregnant. A month away from the 1 year TTC mark.

I asked DH tonight if he thought we'd get pregnant this month and he was quiet for a moment and then was like, "Honestly... no. I don't want to be negative, just going off of history. We haven't gotten pregnant yet so why would we get pregnant this month?"

He finally agrees something has to be wrong. He keeps insisting it could still be something wrong with him too, not just me. I don't believe that. I think it's me. But still makes me sad to see even DH has given up hope.

CD 10

VLOG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNMtkOZjdPA

And if you don't want to watch the VLOG, the just of it is I will start temping tomorrow.

If I O the same day as last cycle I will be due the day after the twins' 2nd birthday, and when I was pregnant with them I was due the day after DS#1's 2nd birthday. So it would be a funny coincidence if I got pregnant, not that I think I will get pregnant.

CD 1 - AF

I checked at 11pm last night and it was still just spotting so at least she held off until today to give me an estimate LP of 9 days. Once more, not 100% sure on when I O'd because I did not take my temp.

So I will be temping this cycle after AF but no OPKs.

I think this AF has been a little easier emotionally. I did have a break down but at the same time I was really not expecting to get pregnant. I AM really not expecting to get pregnant, ever. But at the same time I was so sure I wasn't pregnant the cycle with the twins, so I guess I thought well I am so sure I am not pregnant again so I probably will be. I had some promising symptoms but it turned out to be nothing clearly.

So here we are. 11 months. 1 cycle away from my one year mark.

As if that doesn't make me feel bad enough DH's reaction was the worst yet. He had been so sure this would be our month and he didn't believe me at first when I said I wasn't pregnant until I explained I was bleeding. As it sunk in he was just so upset and then he started in with it's probably him, not me, and I tried to explain to him that I am really starting to believe there is scar tissue from the c-section.

We've always had to worry about miscarriages but now to be having trouble even getting pregnant.... I just really can't see it being anything other then the c-section. I know I need to lose weight but I am really not that much over where I was when I conceived the twins so I don't think it's that either, and I appear to be ovulating. IDK. I guess we'll just keep trying and if we are still not pregnant by 2 years post c-section I will go see a Dr about possible scarring issues.

CD 33 - 9 DPO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf4A2gLp8BU

AF will be here in full force by tomorrow AM, if not sooner. Right now it's just spotting, but that might change since we have 5 hours and 15 minutes until midnight.

CD 26 - 1 DPO

Here's my latest update:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDl30AW0U38

And I am going off of a V-Day O based on OPKs so I am calling this 1 DPO and I am in my 2 WW!

CD 24

Temp: N/A

OPK: Negative

The top one is 3 minutes (you're not supposed to read until after 5 minutes when it's fully done) and then an hour later on the bottom one.

It doesn't look any darker to me then yesterdays. Sigh. Story of my life.

I am having ton of EWCM right now though.

Ugh I want this so bad. Just ovulate already!!!

CD 23

Temp: N/A

OPK: Negative (almost positive!)

I am SO excited to see the line getting darker! It was getting darker but then CD 21 it went back to being almost negative again. I was so disappointed so I didn't test yesterday. I was not expecting it to be this dark today that's for sure! DTD tonight and hoping I O soon!

CD 20

Temp: N/A

OPK: Negative

Negative but getting darker!!!! I am so excited! Bring on the O this week! I missed my window to have an October baby which sucks but I'll be due early November so those telling me that I am going to be jinxed into a November birthday because it makes the kids' birthdays January, December, November, bring on the jinxing!!

I picked up more OPKs and HPTs as I said I would. So now I have 9 (well now 8, I peed on one today!) OPKs, 3 CBD, and 11 FRER.

I think I'm set, no?

CD 19

Temp: N/A

OPK: Negative

Had probably the best sex of my life last night. I know you needed to know that!

Excited my OPK is a little darker (sorry it looks weird my camera has a macro setting but only if you set it to the automatic function and that one just decides whether or not you can use macro, you can't force it to ugh!) so that made me happy. I am buying more tonight so we'll see if they keep getting darker. Going to test every day now.

CD 18

Temp:  N/A

OPK: Negative.

As you can see I have had to take a break from temping.

Honestly I've been trying to brush it off like I wasn't stressing but I was. I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression and starting out this cycle I spent most days crying.

I just feel done. As you can see above my OPKs are almost completely negative so it's not looking like I am going to ovulate any time soon. If at all. I am so freaking tired of this.

The only positive is with my depression comes a lack of appetite and DH has already told me I look like I am losing weight.

I just do not think this is going to be our month.

Think I might get back to temping on Monday just to confirm O hasn't happened yet and maybe catch it. I am not sure yet though. We'll see.

In other news this is pretty cool:

CD 12

Temp: N/A

I didn't temp today. I was pretty depressed and disheartened last night so I stayed up watching TV and then went to sleep on the couch rather then get up and move too close to temp time. I got enough sleep to temp and I was going to until I woke up to see the clock said 6 am, the time DH is supposed to be at work (an hour and 15 minutes after I normally temp) and I freak out, run upstairs, trip and fall and rip the top of my toenail off, burst into the room, and he tells me he goes in at 8 am this morning so he doesn't have to get up yet.

To say I was pissed is an understatement, ESPECIALLY when before when I'd tried to go to sleep after sex while we laid in bed I had checked that the alarm was set for 4:45 right in front of him and he never said a word! So I did not get to temp.

Because I did not get to temp, and because I don't really even need an excuse to want to POAS I took an OPK to make sure I was not near O time.

Definitely negative. Still probably a week off, or more, from O. Which is not surprising but I was really hoping I would O early. So it was a little disappointing.

Mostly I am looking forward to buying more tests when AF comes. It makes me happy having lots of FRER's to pee on.

CD 11

Temp: 97.42

So I've been having LOTS of cramping. Battling a bad migraine the last few days. It's left me pretty worn down and miserable.

I am not 100% sure my temp is right. It's still about right for my pre-o temps last cycle but when the alarm went off I was so tired and out of it from the migraine and that I grabbed the phone instead of the alarm clock and sat there trying to turn off the alarm and started panicking that I couldn't make it stop and I ended up yelling at DH, "I can't get the alarm to turn off!!!"

And he basically was like you're a moron lol. Isn't he sweet?

So I took my temp after that. I hadn't like gotten up out of bed but I do think I raised my temp by raising my heart rate from the panic lol. So I am calling it valid but won't be surprised if it drops again tomorrow. I am thinking I might take an OPK CD 14 because I have been having a feeling that I will ovulate early this cycle but then I think I should just wait until CD 17 because of course I am not going to ovulate early.

So we'll see how I feel Sunday. If I am having any fertile CM around then. Right now it's pretty much either sticky or creamy but unless it's clear to me I am not going to record it.

CD 10

Temp: 97.05

Honestly I am not feeling it this month. I've already cried a few times. I am feeling disheartened by the whole thing.

I really just want to give up.

I am starting to feel like if this cycle isn't it then I am done. No more temping/tracking. No more trying. Just not going to use any birth control.

Part of me wants to keep temping a few cycle but part of me is just so over this process.

I haven't seen many friends announce pregnancies the last few days but here come the every facebook status is about their pregnancy part. It's hard to see. Especially having decided recently that facebook is not the place for status updates on my uterus and I will not be talking about it there next time. People who need to know will get a phone call or an email from me.

Sigh. Just feeling sad for me, and all my friends trying with me. I just want this to be the month all of us get pregnant!

CD 9

Temp: 97.22

So, had to mark sleep deprived. The twins both woke up crying at 3 am and while DH took care of them we then got kind of horny and DTD again lol! So had to mark it sleep deprived.

I can't believe I am CD 9 already! AF always feels like it takes FOREVER and then it feels like my cycle just flies after that.

Well, until the 2ww lol.

Just a little over a week until I start using the OPKs!

CD 8

Temp: 96.77

As you can see, no more AF! If my AF can stay like this (ok maybe get a LITTLE lighter) I would be very happy!

I did record creamy today. I have been having a lot of CM but it doesn't feel sticky to me. It feels wet and creamy, so that's what I am putting. I might be way off, but I'm trying.

Fighting the urge to start peeing on some OPKs but I am not buying any more for this cycle so the ones I have are the ones I have and if I start testing too early I will run out before I even O. 

I am really really hoping this is it. Baby fever has been bad and I am just so ready to see those 2 pink lines on an HPT!!!

CD 7

Temp: 97.08

Flow: None!

So no spotting or anything so far yet today. That might change because a lot of times I wake up with no spotting or anything and it comes on later in the day. But I am HOPING AF is gone!

Probably will wait until after Monday to DTD but honestly my sex drive is already picking up and I am not sure we will make it past Monday night before we do it lol. I am, like I said, going to start OPKs CD 17. I have a feeling I will O earlier this cycle then last but I figure it won't be super early or anything.

Once more, hoping this is it. DS #1 was 14 months when I conceived the twins and they are 14 months in a few days here. So we'll see!

CD 6

Temp: 97.28

Flow: Spotting!

Thinking, HOPING, there is a good chance that AF will be completely gone by tomorrow! I am just barely spotting right now.

Now to just hope I can control the urge and not POAS until at LEAST CD 17!!

CD 5

Temp: 97.25 (sleep deprived)

Flow: Light!

Today is my 100th post. Kind of sad that 100 posts in and I am still not pregnant. :(

My flow lightened up a lot today. I am hoping it's gone by CD 7 but we'll see. I'd love it to be gone by tomorrow AM but I am not betting on it. Seems like it's becoming a more "normal for me" AF though. Hoping that's a good sign.

Went shopping last night, picked this up:

I had one OPK and one digital left over from the last few cycles so now my stash has 8 OPKs, 7 FRERs, and 3 Digitals. At the rate my luck is going this should last me 6 months or so. Won't start using an OPK until CD 17 and then based on how light or dark the line is see if I need to wait a few more days or go right into daily.

Of course there was only one cashier and they sent me over to customer service, where the cashier was a pregnant woman about 5 months along and her friend was buying her some onesies and two other cashiers were standing there all talking about her pregnancy and who else was pregnant and had just had a baby. I managed to not start crying until I reach the car. Damn AF.

Damn this whole TTC process.

It lead to a pretty restless night. DH woke a few times and held my hand or put his arm around me and it helped but I got less then 2 hours of sleep so I marked sleep deprived.

Ready for AF to be gone for a good long while.