Yesterday

My cousin's wife announced she was 5 months pregnant yesterday. She conceived when her first was just 8 months old.

Like how the twins are now.

I am not sure why but it hit me really really hard. My very heart beat in my chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. I started shaking and crying and I just laid in bed and didn't get up again for about 7 hours. It took until tonight to start feeling better to be honest.

It still hurts so much it leaves me gasping for air. Doesn't help that despite light bleeding yesterday I was having very very painful cramps. Today I had a few I had to stop talking and just breathe through. And my bleeding picked up a lot today. I know it's normal for me to bleed longer with chemical pregnancies but I guess I was hoping it would be completely gone today after how light it was yesterday.

I've been talking to DH a lot about how I feel, trying to keep him in the loop. I tend to want to just be left alone when going through this but I know that makes it hard on him.

We decided that we're just going to leave it to God. No more temping or charting. If I reach CD 40 I will test. If AF comes it comes. I am not ready to try again but I am not ready to prevent either. So we're leaving it up to God. He will decide when it's time.

Right now I am not thinking too much about it. I don't think it will be this month anyway so I don't want to think on it too much. Enough disappointment already.