A Rock And A Sharp Place

I know that's not the saying but just go with it.

I feel isolated. Like I can't complain about what is going on because either my friends have never had to struggle and can't see why I even want another child (hard place) or they've had to struggle a lot longer then I have and they just naturally can't help but feel like if I get pregnant it was still less of a struggle then what they went through (sharp place - because a few of them might just want to stab me for whining).

I don't want to be a little whiny bitch. I know I whine a lot on here but that's because this is my blog and my place and I don't expect a response back like in conversation. I am not whining on here for pats on the back or reassurances. It's purely to get it out.

I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this number in all honesty. 6 months doesn't sound too long to be trying. It doesn't feel good, but it doesn't sound like a huge amount of time. But then when you say 7 months it's like, holy shit. No sticky pregnancy in 7 MONTHS?!

I don't want to be bitter, I DON'T want to be a whiner, and I really REALLY don't want to be disrespectful to those who have had a longer struggle to have a(nother) baby.

I just don't quite know what I am supposed to do. Am I allowed to feel my feelings? Am I supposed to feel like these feelings are irrational and it's not as bad as it seems? Am I not supposed to be upset yet at all? I don't know.

In other news AF is FINALLY gone today after being here 11 DAYS!!!! Holy mother of fuck that is hands down the longest AF I have ever had that wasn't a miscarriage. And no, I do not think it was a miscarriage.

Thinking of starting some vit c this month and seeing what happens. Also going to start temping tomorrow since I finally found my BBT after moving.

The Verge Of Tears

I've been trying not to think about it. Trying to stay strong.

But it's exhausting. I have a constant feeling of wanting to cry.

It's right there in the background. My eyes water, a lump wells up in my throat. Anything even slightly emotional will make me cry. It's ridiculous.

I know I should be thankful it was just AF and not another loss. I know I should be thankful I have not been trying nearly as long as so many people.

I know all that and yet... the tears want to come.

I want to just sit and sob and whine about how unfair it is.

God I want to smack myself just reading that because it's so not me. I am not that person. And yet this is what trying is turning me into. Someone I don't want to be.

But I don't want to give up. What does that solve? Nothing except I'll be whining about wanting a baby and not even trying to have one.

I don't want it to be such a big focus, and trust me during the day with the kids it's so not. But at night, once everyone is in bed, all I can think about as I lay there is that my uterus is empty. That I am empty. And I hate feeling this way.

CD 1 - AF

Spotting, feeling crampy, lots of PMS symptoms.

I had such a good feeling at the start of this month. I really thought this was going to be it.

Cried a lot on and off today (thanks PMS) and it's just not fair.

I just want to be pregnant again. We could have announced at Christmas and I would have been like 14 weeks. It would have been perfect.

And AF shows.


Just in time for October 15th.

In the middle of a romantic shower no less.

God I hate this!!

On to cycle #7. :'(

And It Begins

The peace is gone and the roller coaster begins.

I no longer feel hopeful for this month. I really feel like it's not going to happen.

Before O I playfully told DH we could announce at Christmas.

Now I am not even expecting to be pregnant by Christmas.

I don't even want to test. I haven't even bought any yet. I just want to wait this one out.

I am just not feeling it.

CD 18 - Ovulation?

Wow I promise I have not forgotten about this blog, it's just been a crazy roller coaster!

Yesterday morning I was growing concerned that I'd had all these O signs and no EWCM but I finally had some last night so it looks like I am O'ing/did O yesterday.

I will be testing on the 17th just because of all the signs but if it's negative I won't bother to test again unless I am having pregnancy symptoms or it's been 14 days since my CM dried up. Hoping this is it!!

And Again

Remember this?

It happened again.

She is due when I was due with my first miscarriage since the twins.

And now another cousin's girlfriend, whose child is not 1 yet, just announced they are expecting in April.

You know, the month I was due in before my miscarriage a little over a month ago?

I try so hard not to be bitter and mean. That's not who I want to be.

But it really hurts. Why couldn't that be me? Why do I miscarry and my cousins and their wives don't?

It isn't fair.

I just want to be pregnant again. I want to bring another beautiful soul into our family. I want to give my kids another sibling to grow with.

I feel like a complete failure that I can't do this now.

10/17

I am pretty excited because the date 10/17 keeps popping up and I feel like it's a sign maybe? Or maybe the date keeps popping up and I am just crazy thinking I see signs.

AF is still in town. A little odd to have it be this heavy this long, especially with all the bleeding I did last month. I just hope I am not in for a ton of bleeding this cycle and that AF sees herself out asap!

AF

On to cycle #6.

When To Test?

I have been asked a few times when I will test since I am not temping and won't know when AF is set to show.

According to my average cycle length, 29 days, that would be around October 10th. But my longest cycle was 38 days. So I decided to be safe, if AF has not arrived by CD 40 then I will test. That would be October 21st.

So there you have it, more then a month away from possibly testing. Now if I start throwing up around the second week of October I might just test to see. But if I feel nothing I will just wait out AF. I imagine she'll arrive right on time though.

Ow

Thought I was doing better.

Not sure how a little thing like an unplanned BFP can hurt so bad.

But it does. It really really does.

God I hate this.