CD 35 - Teased

About a week ago I decided to POAS late at night. I'd been feeling pregnant despite wonky temps but I didn't honestly expect to get a line.

Except I did. Very faint, but both DH and I could see a line within the 5 minute mark. I took a picture around the 10 minute mark and sent it to 2 friends, who also saw a line.

I opened it up and there was no indent line. I thought this might finally be it.

But the next few days all other tests were negative. I expected the worst, another miscarriage, and yet here I am, a week later with no spotting or bleeding or anything.

I really thought that the girls saying they were getting lines without indents were just looking at the tests too long out of the time window. But no, FRER is indeed throwing out false positives.

Here is a picture of the test today to show you how dark the second line was:

So it was super disappointing that we got fooled, but at the same time I am glad it was not another loss.

We have decided NOT to take a break, but to keep trying.

We're moving this weekend and we haven't decided when we want to set up the new internet so who knows when you will see me next.

My 1 year mark is April 8th and it is beyond annoying that I probably won't even be on my 12th cycle by the time my 12th month of TTC completes. Most women get more chances to try because they have short or regular cycles. Having long cycles and TTC the same amount of time but with less tries to get pregnant is beyond aggravating.

CD 22 - A Break

Oh boy. The last few days. Let me tell you.

DH came to me and told me after this cycle he no longer wanted to continue TTC.

At first I was so angry. This completely blindsided me and I did not know where it was coming from.

When I finally calmed down and we talked about it he explained he wanted to wait until we were done moving and settled in and knew how much his raise he just got was (we find out Thursday, they won't tell them ahead of time because they don't want people comparing raises).

We decided to for sure take next cycle off.

Even though I am only 11 cycles in, thanks to long cycles I am about to hit my 1 year mark off TTC. 12 months, 11 cycles, 1 miscarriage.

Really really shitty numbers.

And as much as I hate to admit defeat and stop trying, I think we do need a break. My mom is coming out to give us a little break to be a couple and go do fun stuff while we have a baby sitter.

While there is still a chance I am could be pregnant (I think I am in the 2ww now based on CM but I haven't been temping) I am not holding my breath. I full expect to hit the one year mark of TTC not even pregnant.

So that's what is going on right now.

CD 11

Temp: 97.8

Bummed out today. This time last year I was miscarrying. DH had been so excited about the baby, probably the most excited he's ever been, and he'd told everyone at work. And here we are, still not pregnant. A month away from the 1 year TTC mark.

I asked DH tonight if he thought we'd get pregnant this month and he was quiet for a moment and then was like, "Honestly... no. I don't want to be negative, just going off of history. We haven't gotten pregnant yet so why would we get pregnant this month?"

He finally agrees something has to be wrong. He keeps insisting it could still be something wrong with him too, not just me. I don't believe that. I think it's me. But still makes me sad to see even DH has given up hope.

CD 10

VLOG: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNMtkOZjdPA

And if you don't want to watch the VLOG, the just of it is I will start temping tomorrow.

If I O the same day as last cycle I will be due the day after the twins' 2nd birthday, and when I was pregnant with them I was due the day after DS#1's 2nd birthday. So it would be a funny coincidence if I got pregnant, not that I think I will get pregnant.