Dear Body, WTH Are You Doing?!

So no spotting for awhile and all was well.

And then of course today I spot.

I think we might just take a DTD break for a few weeks since the spotting is happening after we DTD. Hopefully that will be the end.

We have officially agreed to NTNP until December, where we will resume charting and full on TTC again.

If it happens in that time period, awesome. If not I am ok too. I just can't handle the trying and the failing. Taking the pressure off. Right now it's easy because I am focusing on the move, hopefully later in the month I can focus on potty training DS #1, and after that birthday preparations and Christmas shopping I guess.

Time moves so fast and yet I have a feeling without charting and day counting and symptom spotting to focus on these next months are going to drag. Hopefully not, but that's what I am feeling.

The Blues

I haven't spoken too much about it here. I mean clearly I am devastated by the recent loss.

But I have at least told DH.

I am depressed.

I have a hard time getting myself out of bed. I am so checked out right now and poor DS #1 is really at an age where he notices and he's been very unhappy. This past weekend I could barely get out of my bed and he was crying at the door begging for me and I just felt like the most awful mom in the world.

I wish it didn't effect me this bad. I wish I could say this isn't working out and it's making me depressed so I'll just stop trying and think about something else.

Trust me I've tried. But unless I shut off FB and stop talking to all my friends and don't watch TV, and avoid ever leaving the house, pregnancy and TTC is going to be constantly thrown in my face.

It physically hurts me to see ultrasounds, and bump pictures, and pregnancy updates. I want it so bad I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't. I wish I was still in the mindset pre March where I was so done having kids for a few years. I don't understand why I had to go through that. Why couldn't I have just NOT gotten pregnant? You know, like the birth control was SUPPOSED to do.

I really feel had I not had that loss, and especially the one the next month, I would never have started TTC so soon. Which wouldn't have lead to 4 months of stress and another miscarriage, which wouldn't lead to almost a month of bleeding, which wouldn't lead to me sitting here at the end of cycle #5 crying because I just don't think it's ever going to happen and I don't know what the right choice is.

I can't shut that voice up in the back of my head that tells me everyone is glad it's taking me a long time to get a sticky pregnancy since most of my friends have struggled at one time or the other TTC, and I got twins so it's only fair right?

I just hate this process. I never realized how lonely it feels even when you know other people struggling to conceive or stay pregnant as well.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!

Checked the pregnancy thread on a message board I used to post on.

I knew I shouldn't have but I thought I was ok.

I was so hesitant to join it. I kept telling her not to add my ticker because I was afraid it would jinx me.

I found out she did indeed add it the day I miscarried.

I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her, at all.

But damn that hurt to see.

And then it gets worse.

I didn't tell them until 2 weeks later that I had miscarried.

And I just read a response from one of them.

She said I must be the most fertile person in the world.

God that pisses me off. Before this baby I'd still miscarried 5 others. I only had 2 pregnancies make it to term. I am NOT even CLOSE to the most fertile person in the world.

Maybe getting pregnant counts as being really fertile but it doesn't mean shit if I miscarry! I'd rather have a really hard time getting pregnant then keep miscarrying and trying and miscarrying and trying.

It hurts so bad it's like a hole in my chest. A painful empty vortex and I can't breathe and I just want to scream and cry that it's not fair and I am not fertile I am BROKEN!!!

Decision Made... For Now

I say for now because neither me nor DH feels 100% about which way we should go on this. Trying or not trying.

So for now we've decided to go ahead and try this month, and next month we'll just see. God willing we won't need to discuss it then but honestly I don't think I'm getting pregnant this month. Even just a few hours ago I was spotting red. So odds are, not going to be pregnant for awhile.

Quite heart breaking. Makes me angry at my body. But I am also ok with more time. More time to prepare emotionally and physically for the next round of "is that a real line?" and such.

What I'm Feeling

Hurt. It hurts so unbelievably much to see friends pregnant bellies and ultrasounds and hear them talk about pregnancy cravings.

Getting some fertility signs made me have to face whether or not we were going to try or prevent this cycle much sooner then I was expecting. I mean this is normal, but I thought ovulation might be delayed with the loss.

So here's what it comes down to:

I want a baby so bad it hurts. I want to be hugely pregnant. I want to see the little one on the ultrasound.

I want to fight for and successfully have a VBAC.

I want a little newborn (or two) to complete our family. Maybe for forever, maybe just for a few years.

But:

I am terrified of getting pregnant and losing it again.

I am worried this is not a good time.

I am worried even if it is the right time my family won't see it that way.

I guess those last 2 reasons kind of are all the same worry. It's mostly #1 I am worried about.

So what do I do?

I honestly don't know. I think my brain is leaning towards waiting, but my heart is leaning towards trying. I guess I'll let DH be the one to decide which part wins.

What To Do

I have been quiet lately working on projects, playing with the kids. Trying not to focus on having another baby as much.

Part of me, honestly, doesn't want to try any more. Ever again.

I WANT another baby. Not just another baby but several more kids.

But part of me is so done with the trying process.

On the other hand the thought of preventing or not temping and tracking is hard. Am I ready to really give up that "control"?

Right now packing and preparing for the move and life and stress is a good distraction. I just worry about once we've moved in and settled down.

Shouldn't be this hard.

A Week

It's been a week now. Getting easier? A little.

I still cry at the drop of a hat.

Things have been stressful around here and I know my crazy emotions are to blame.

I guess the good part is having the kids to focus on. I am sure they are enjoying all the extra loving and attention they are getting.

Been keeping busy with my new hobby as well. After my orders are done DH said I can do the entire alphabet to help teach DS #1 his letters. He loves playing with them so I know he will love it. I am thinking rainbow order for sure.

I am happy to have a new hobby. Hopefully people will keep putting in orders. That would be great.

Nothing else new to report. Still moving forward. One dragging foot step at a time.

Yesterday

My cousin's wife announced she was 5 months pregnant yesterday. She conceived when her first was just 8 months old.

Like how the twins are now.

I am not sure why but it hit me really really hard. My very heart beat in my chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. I started shaking and crying and I just laid in bed and didn't get up again for about 7 hours. It took until tonight to start feeling better to be honest.

It still hurts so much it leaves me gasping for air. Doesn't help that despite light bleeding yesterday I was having very very painful cramps. Today I had a few I had to stop talking and just breathe through. And my bleeding picked up a lot today. I know it's normal for me to bleed longer with chemical pregnancies but I guess I was hoping it would be completely gone today after how light it was yesterday.

I've been talking to DH a lot about how I feel, trying to keep him in the loop. I tend to want to just be left alone when going through this but I know that makes it hard on him.

We decided that we're just going to leave it to God. No more temping or charting. If I reach CD 40 I will test. If AF comes it comes. I am not ready to try again but I am not ready to prevent either. So we're leaving it up to God. He will decide when it's time.

Right now I am not thinking too much about it. I don't think it will be this month anyway so I don't want to think on it too much. Enough disappointment already.

Hardest Yet?

Maybe this sounds bad, but I am glad that no pregnancies worked out before DH. I really believe my life would be so much worse had I not lost the 2 babies, either father is truly not a good person, not just an immature guy but just plain not a good person. One became a drug dealer and one was accused of rape a few years later.

So those weren't really hard. More relief. It wasn't right.

My first loss while married to DH was pretty hard. I guess part of me thought after having DS #1 I wouldn't go through that again. So it was a shock. But we were both unemployed and living with my dad and I know I definitely was not ready to do it again.

After the twins, that first loss was really hard. I was shocked. We had an entire week of being shocked, and then just when I started to get excited, it was over. And it was SO hard. When it happened again the next cycle I was in disbelief. But I also figured my body just wasn't ready and this was why.

All my losses were accidents. Babies I had to recover from huge shock from before I was happy.

This time however, we'd been trying for 4 months. We were sure we wanted this. When I first saw the lines getting darker those first 2 days I was ecstatic. I danced around the living room with DS #2 and DD #1. I cheered, I was over the moon.

And then on day 3 my test wasn't as dark as I was expecting it to be. I was devastated. But later I did allow myself to be convinced it was getting darker. And I began to hope again.

But then I started spotting. And I was crushed. I know I spotted with the twins but it was less then this. And I had a super dark BFP to give me hope.

And then of course I started really bleeding. And the anger set in. Not only did I try the longest I have ever had to try for this baby, but I was losing it. Not only had I had the brief moments of ecstasy, but now I was mourning it.

It's left me feeling so angry and broken. It's a new level of pain. I always told myself with my other losses I didn't have much room to complain because after all, it wasn't like the losses my friends had had where they'd been trying for months. My losses couldn't compare to theirs.

And of course no ones loss can really compare to someone else's.

But now I know this pain. I know the pain of trying and wishing and hoping and OBSESSING and the  pure excitement of a hard earned BFP, only to have it all taken away from you.

And I am not sure how to be "normal" again now. Yet another piece of innocence stolen from an experience that most people get to take for granted.

Just An Update

I've been pretty sick the past 2 days. I haven't managed to keep anything down, not even crackers.

DH got up at 3 am because I felt hungry and went to the store for me. Yesterday morning I woke up to the living room picked up so that I could just vacuum when I was up. He's also let me go to bed as soon as he gets off work and he takes the kids, feeds them, and puts them to bed.

He hasn't acted particularly sad but these things show me he's hurting and wanting to make things better for me. Every night he has come in and held me while I cried however.

He told me this morning he was really sad, and then walked away. But mostly he just keeps saying that it's going to happen. We will have another baby someday.

I am not sure I believe that any more. But we did decide something.

CD 1 - Goodbye Baby

I was very hopeful.

I was nervous to test. Wondering if I should put it off another day.

In the end I decided to just get it over with.

A lot of times I will wipe before I test, just to check for blood so I don't waste a test.

This time I didn't.

So of course when yet another faint line showed, and I was disappointed and went to wipe, there was a bunch of red blood to make it all that much worse.

Honestly I am relieved the limbo is over, but I am so numb and upset right now. I know that doesn't make any sense because when you're numb you shouldn't feel anything. But it's more that I am so upset I can't even let myself feel right now.

I knew in my heart when those lines didn't darken as much as I hoped it wasn't going to work but I wanted it so bad and every line that got darker and every day that went by without bleeding I became more and more hopeful.

I feel so completely empty.

More Limbo

DTD night before last and woke up to a lot of brown CM. Had to wipe 3-4 times to get all the brown CM clear of me. I thought for sure this was a sign it was over and waited for the rest of the bleeding to start.

Only it didn't.

I had taken a $1 test and it came out negative. Think maybe there was a shadow on it but maybe that was wishful thinking? The FRER was positive. About as dark as yesterday but I think less pink?

Sigh.

I am not going to test again until Tuesday. Wednesday makes a week since my first line so if nothing has changed and darkened a week later I am in trouble.

All my symptoms but being tired have gone. But that could be explained by my lack of caffeine and awful sleeping habits of late.

Oh and lots and lots of cramping.

Feeling Better

I hope this post isn't followed by one about how stupid I was for writing this post.

I am feeling pretty hopeful right now. The lines are getting darker, they are really there, that's all that matters right now.

Bloating super bad right now so I have this big ole bump. Even bigger then when I took my official 4 weeks picture earlier.

Yeah, it's gross but it's not a real bump, it's just bloat, so it's not supposed to be pretty.

It's really hitting me tonight that I am pregnant again. It feels so weird.

Please God let me be bringing home a healthy baby in April!

Limbo - 13 DPO

I don't feel pregnant. I think this is what makes me feel so worried.

I wish I knew how the start of my pregnancies felt but I can't remember and I didn't blog about early pregnancy. So even though I am not sure I am even really going to have a healthy pregnancy, here it goes.

I am exhausted. That is the biggest thing. I can sleep a solid 12 hours at night and still want to nap with the kids.

I get heartburn immediately after eating, no matter what I ate.

I have had on and off nausea, even throwing up twice so far.

Lots of bowel problems. I am either constipated or running to the bathroom.

I am terrified. I am going to the bathroom every hour just to check for blood. I know stress isn't good and I promise I am not stressing as much as it seems, but that walk down the hall to the bathroom I am telling myself in my head to expect blood.

Tomorrow I am 4 weeks. 36 more to go. Right?

Another Miscarriage?

I feel so broken right now. So unbelievably hurt and... I don't even know how to put it into words.

Today's test was not any darker then yesterday's. Say what you want, but I've been down this road more then once. If I am not getting a clear line by now it's just a matter of time before I start bleeding.

DH wants to start trying right away again. He teared up when I showed him the test. Part of me wants to try again for him and part of me wants to just give up.

It's not fair. It's not fair.

I'm Pregnant!

10 DPO - BFP?!

I guess we'll find out.