CD 17

Temp today was 97.12

So the twins are 13 months old in a weekish.

When TTC for them (well not really them, but for "#2") we tried when DS#1 was 9 & 10 months old. We took a break when he was 11, 12, and 13 months old. We conceived the twins when he was 14 months old.

So definitely getting hopeful that approaching that time frame will make my body more willing to get a sticky pregnancy again.

We'll see!

CD 16 - No O

Temp today was 97.02. Definitely did not O. I am not disappointed. I really did not think I would O that early, much less after having that much bleeding. I am perfectly ok with my lining needing more time to build up again before putting a baby in it. Although I sincerely hope I can at least get excited this month and POAS!!! So tired of these short LP's and early AF's. I want some excitement!

We're certainly doing our part in this process, come on body and do the rest!!

CD 15

Temp this morning was 97.35. Possibly ovulated CD 14. But I really just think this will be a random temp spike. I don't think I ovulated.

We will see though.

Still having watery/fertile CM. Still not going to chart it yet.

I want this so bad. I have no confidence that it will work. But I want it to. I am ready to be a mom again. Ready to bring another soul into our family.

CD 14

Ok, I did take my temp this morning! I really thought about not doing it when I wasn't tired by 12 pm, but I just seduced my husband and went to bed and got enough sleep for that 4:45 am wake up call!

Temp today as 96.85, definitely have not ovulated yet.

I think a new years day ovulation would be pretty cool but it will probably be more like some time within the first week of January but closer to the end of the first week instead.

We'll see.

I did not pick up any vitex yet. I am going to let this cycle go without anything but prenatals and then get vitex for next cycle. Well we'll see. Truth is I am telling myself that to let myself off the hook this month. So we'll see if I can stick to it or if I come up with another excuse next cycle too.

CD 13

I have decided not to chart CM for now. I think I am having fertile CM. It looks/feels watery. It smells fertile (sorry if that is TMI but I get this distinct scent with fertile CM). But this soon after bleeding I just do not know. I have the screen shots and I can write it down here in case the temps (which I will get back to recording!!!) show I am ovulating soon. My bets are, things are just off right now and I won't be ovulating soon.

We shall see.

Didn't temp because of lack of sleep from the neighbors building catching on fire. Burned 3 units but no one was hurt thank God!

Some Whining

I don't mean to be so negative or dramatic. I really don't. I am just trying to be honest. This is my place to be completely honest. To vent it out.

I am so grateful that I have had 2 successful pregnancies and 3 living children. I really am. I know most people see my 3 kids and can't imagine why I'd want more.

And while I love having twins, I feel cheated. Most people with 3 kids got to have 3 pregnancies. I love being pregnant, so skipping one isn't a good thing for me. I feel jipped out of an experience I love because I got twins and now I have pretty much the max amount of kids society thinks I should have.

But I'm not done. I want more kids.

And now, having trouble? It just sucks. I feel like I have no right to whine with 3 healthy children, most all my pregnancies were easily conceived. But it's so hard, and it REALLY sucks, to be 9 cycles into this and still not have a sticky pregnancy out of it.

I guess I just don't know if I have any right to complain, even though it physically hurts me to see other pregnant women and newborn babies.

I watch the twins grow so fast and think, is this the last time?

I don't think I can continue on miscarrying like this either. It kills me. I am not ready to be done yet, but I don't think I can handle much more. I really don't.

Then we have my super short messed up LP, wacky cycles, wacky temps, and I just can't help but think my body is not ready to support a pregnancy right now. And while I don't want to force it to have one, neither do I want to quit trying because I want this so bad and maybe THIS cycle will be the one cycle where the stars align. If I stop trying how will I know?

I am so confused and if it weren't for DH wanting another and not wanting to stop trying I'd probably at least think of taking a break but his baby fever feeds my baby fever.

I just want this so bad. Shouldn't have to be so hard!

CD 12

I am crap at reading CM. This is all just a guess. Maybe I will even take it out. Seemed watery to me today. Why can't it just be like purple for watery, white for egg white, blue for creamy, etc etc. Right?!?!

We DTD last night. I was worried it would hurt and it was uncomfortable at first, but then we changed positions and it was better.

Thinking my odds of a BFP this month are ZERO. Not even putting myself in the mindset that this cycle will result in a BFP at all.

CD 7

Didn't temp again. DD #1 has decided things are far too exciting around here with my mom visiting and she couldn't possible sleep so she was up screaming a lot last night. I'm so tired.

I am still having gushes but they are further in between. The bleeding is slowing, but still heavy. Still passing small clots.

Still trying not to feel anything right now but it's hard when you just feel so cheated.

CD 6

I just had to throw away another pair of underwear because there was so much blood on it after cleaning. Currently sitting on a black towel with some mesh disposable panties and a pad. At least if I bleed on the towel you can't see the stain.

Sigh. I really really hate this. Won't be surprised if I don't ovulate this cycle.

Part of me wants to break down and cry but I just won't allow myself. I can't do it right now I have too much to do.

Not going to temp today because me and DH will be sleeping in a little in anticipation of my mom coming to visit and everything else I still need to do today. My body needs to rest. I don't think not temping will hurt anything because clearly I am no where near ovulating right now.

Just need to hold it together until after Christmas. Then I can fall apart. A little. Not too much. But a little.

CD 5 & The OB

So last night before I went to bed I had a big gush. Again.

I ran to the bathroom where I passed a clot about the size of a rectangular eraser, this if you can't picture it:

I didn't think that was a good thing but I just went to bed and told DH, who was asleep and not listening to me.

This morning I woke up with his alarm to temp. When I was done I rolled from my side to my back and felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom but this one wasn't too bad thank goodness. No need to change my clothes or scrub the bathroom. Then something catches my eye. About a foot and a half in front of the toilet is blood splattered on the wall!!! It is dried, so I know it came from the big clot last night (that thing splattered all over and I thought I had gotten it all).

I call DH in and at this point he is like that's not normal. I am started to be in a lot of pain. Before I passed the clot last night I was having to verbalize through the cramps they got so bad. So he has me call my OB (this is like 6 am at this point). I leave a message. At 6:30 the nurse calls me back and says if I can make it in right at 8 she will see me.

So DH calls his boss and lets him know I need to go to the Dr.

Right before we go I am kind of waffling at this point like do we NEED to go to the Dr because this is cutting into our fun money for mom's visit right now. And I am laying in bed because of the pain and I roll to my stomach and... gush.

I reach down instantly and my hand comes up bloody.

Let me tell you, there was so much blood I just had to throw my underwear away. It was not ever going to come out no matter how I washed it. My hands were covered in blood.

Went to the Dr and long story short, the urine test came up negative so she did the +/- blood test and it came up negative. However she said with all the bleeding I had I most likely have passed everything and to HER, it sounds like I miscarried. She said that that much bleeding is NOT normal for anyone and if it keeps going like this and doesn't lighten up in 24 hours I need to go be seen by the hospital.

I mean telling you I lost 6 cups of blood last night and this morning would be an underestimate. It was a LOT of blood. She offered to do a beta but I declined. More money I don't want to spend. At this point it doesn't matter whether I was or wasn't pregnant. Clearly it's far too late to save anything.

She again pushed me to get on the pill (balance things out) and I again explained that we do not want to use the pill. After last time I am pretty sure she's put me on her, "Tell her to find a new OB list" but whatever.

So that was my morning so far. Going to mark the chart as a suspected miscarriage from last month and just work on getting my LP extended.

Temp today was 96.93.

Fears

I literally just gushed so bad I had to change my clothes. I then had to clean the toilet, twice, trying to get all the blood out. Looked like I murdered someone and it would not stop gushing.

I am really starting to think with those high temp spikes 7 and 8 dpo that something might have implanted and my LP was just too short.

I won't call it a loss without a BFP. I know some people go off of gut instinct and that is perfectly fine. But I just need the confirmation before I can accept it. But it looks very suspicious.

I don't know.

I was talking to a friend last night about why I was dragging my feet with the vitex.

Honestly I am just as afraid to get pregnant as I am hurting because I am not pregnant. I am so afraid of taking something that helps me get pregnant, but doesn't help me stay pregnant and I just keep miscarrying.

On the same hand I want it so bad the thought of taking a month off is just not something I think I can do. I mean sure, I can sit here with AF and tell you I'd wait. But as soon as I started to get ready to ovulate I would give in. DH does not want to stop trying so I of course have him saying we need to do it because I might be fertile. I don't think he could stop trying and keep me strong anymore then I could for myself honestly.

I really hate this whole process. Not sure I can say it enough. So much love and respect to those who deal with this for years. Especially those with kids who still try for years.

I think I'd have more resolve if we didn't have kids already. But since we have 3 I keep going why am I putting myself through all this? And then I hear a pregnancy announcement and it's like being punched in the chest and all I can think is I need to be pregnant!

Someday this will all be a bad memory, right?

CD 4

So if you haven't caught on yet I am going to try to do daily updates. To be honest I usually just forget about this blog because TTC is mostly boring and I try not to obsess but I hope it will keep me temping daily and not giving up.

I need to put up a post about how I am feeling emotionally right now soon just so I can get it out but I have things to do right now so, later!

Today's chart. Temp was 97.03.

CD 3

Still pretty upset from AF showing and still having such messed up cycles. I still just can't believe I am here. I feel bad saying it but anyone would think with my history my only worry was going to be a miscarriage, not struggling to conceive in the first place.

I was talking to Rob last night. I knew he was excited about Tinsel (our new cat) and was kind of using her as our vicarious baby. But when he said today when he told me he wasn't sad that we're now 9 cycles in to this journey and still not pregnant I got upset and told him it felt like he didn't care and that he was making it seem like this was not something he really wanted.

He paused the TV and turned to me and was quiet for a minute and he goes, "I'm trying to protect myself. If I think about it, if I let myself get my hopes up every month, I would be depressed right now. I don't want to think about it because I don't want to think something might be wrong and we're not going to have another baby. So I am doing whatever it takes so that it's not bringing me down every month when it doesn't happen. I do want another baby, and I am going to be so excited when it happens. But until then I just can't think about it."

Kind of reaffirmed to me that he does want this, calm the insecurities and hormones. He's in this with me even if he needs to try to feel it the least amount as possible to protect himself.

In other news, here is my chart for today, temp was 97.73:

CD 2

Didn't temp today. Decided to give myself a day to sleep in. I will get back to it tomorrow.

Here is my chart for today. Bleeding definitely picked up. Pain picked up. Looks like it will be a normal AF. Hopefully not too long.

Not confident this will be my month even a little. Not going to get my hopes up.

It was too hard when AF showed.

So just going to assume it won't be any time soon.

Giving up without giving up.

Or let me say it this way. Giving up hope but not giving up trying.

CD 1 - AF

Temp drop and bleeding. AF is here.

I had my time to cry yesterday morning when it felt like AF was here so today I am just determined. I am going to get some vitex and really try to fix whatever is going wrong here.

On to cycle #9.

2nd EDD, One Left To Go

Today was another EDD. I am trying not to dwell on it but I am pissed, angry.

Can't stop crying.

Just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!

I don't want to be like this, I HATE this!

I Hope It Works!!

Some friends got together and got me this! I love it!

I really really hope I get my Christmas miracle this month!!!