CD 1 - AF

I checked at 11pm last night and it was still just spotting so at least she held off until today to give me an estimate LP of 9 days. Once more, not 100% sure on when I O'd because I did not take my temp.

So I will be temping this cycle after AF but no OPKs.

I think this AF has been a little easier emotionally. I did have a break down but at the same time I was really not expecting to get pregnant. I AM really not expecting to get pregnant, ever. But at the same time I was so sure I wasn't pregnant the cycle with the twins, so I guess I thought well I am so sure I am not pregnant again so I probably will be. I had some promising symptoms but it turned out to be nothing clearly.

So here we are. 11 months. 1 cycle away from my one year mark.

As if that doesn't make me feel bad enough DH's reaction was the worst yet. He had been so sure this would be our month and he didn't believe me at first when I said I wasn't pregnant until I explained I was bleeding. As it sunk in he was just so upset and then he started in with it's probably him, not me, and I tried to explain to him that I am really starting to believe there is scar tissue from the c-section.

We've always had to worry about miscarriages but now to be having trouble even getting pregnant.... I just really can't see it being anything other then the c-section. I know I need to lose weight but I am really not that much over where I was when I conceived the twins so I don't think it's that either, and I appear to be ovulating. IDK. I guess we'll just keep trying and if we are still not pregnant by 2 years post c-section I will go see a Dr about possible scarring issues.

CD 33 - 9 DPO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pf4A2gLp8BU

AF will be here in full force by tomorrow AM, if not sooner. Right now it's just spotting, but that might change since we have 5 hours and 15 minutes until midnight.

CD 6

Temp: 97.28

Flow: Spotting!

Thinking, HOPING, there is a good chance that AF will be completely gone by tomorrow! I am just barely spotting right now.

Now to just hope I can control the urge and not POAS until at LEAST CD 17!!

CD 5

Temp: 97.25 (sleep deprived)

Flow: Light!

Today is my 100th post. Kind of sad that 100 posts in and I am still not pregnant. :(

My flow lightened up a lot today. I am hoping it's gone by CD 7 but we'll see. I'd love it to be gone by tomorrow AM but I am not betting on it. Seems like it's becoming a more "normal for me" AF though. Hoping that's a good sign.

Went shopping last night, picked this up:

I had one OPK and one digital left over from the last few cycles so now my stash has 8 OPKs, 7 FRERs, and 3 Digitals. At the rate my luck is going this should last me 6 months or so. Won't start using an OPK until CD 17 and then based on how light or dark the line is see if I need to wait a few more days or go right into daily.

Of course there was only one cashier and they sent me over to customer service, where the cashier was a pregnant woman about 5 months along and her friend was buying her some onesies and two other cashiers were standing there all talking about her pregnancy and who else was pregnant and had just had a baby. I managed to not start crying until I reach the car. Damn AF.

Damn this whole TTC process.

It lead to a pretty restless night. DH woke a few times and held my hand or put his arm around me and it helped but I got less then 2 hours of sleep so I marked sleep deprived.

Ready for AF to be gone for a good long while.

CD 4

Temp: 97.25

Flow: Heavy

So I am still marking the flow as heavy but it's much lighter then yesterday and I barely bled during the night so no morning gush which was nice lol.

Fighting off a migraine this morning. Going to buy more HPTs and OPKs tonight but I won't start using the OPKs until CD 18. I am kind of hoping I end up O'ing before that but, not counting on it.

I want this so bad, very relieved to know DH still wants it, happy to be trying, BUT...

I just don't think this will be my month.

CD 3

Temp: 97.1

Flow: Heavy.

My flow was very very heavy this morning. Woke up and stood up and it all poured out of me. After that though it slowed down a lot. It's still heavy but not soak my clothes gushes like the chemical last cycle. Also not passing big clots like last time. Almost no cramps at all which is nice.

Hoping it's a much shorter AF visit this month and a much earlier O.

CD 2

Temp: 97.05

Flow: Heavy.

Talked to DH about trying vs not trying. He said he didn't want to stop trying. He said he'd just been worried HE had been putting too much pressure on ME and stressing me out. But once I explained that I felt better trying, even when cycles failed, then I would not trying at all, he felt better about moving forward.

Right now all we are going to do is temp and I am going to try increasing my folic acid and continue trying to find some vitex. I have some errands to run on Thursday so I will probably do it then if AF isn't too bad.

I just don't even know what else to say at this point. Really at the point where AF doesn't surprise me, but I still get so hopeful and want it so bad every month. I wish I could get to a point where I don't get hopeful but I am not sure that point exists. The fact that I have just 2 cycles left (the one I am currently on and the next one) before the one year mark just makes me so depressed. I never though I'd get this close, I never thought I'd hit a year. And now, I might. It's no longer a far off thing.

It's here.

My heart hurts so much right now. I just want to hide from the world and turn off facebook and everything.

CD 1

Temp: N/A

I started spotting around 1 am. I didn't get much sleep after that so my temp was really high (I was also having bad bad heartburn again and some stomach acid came up while temping) so I am calling that inaccurate and not putting it in.

By the time I got up for the morning I pretty much knew it was over but I was praying it might be implantation spotting with that high temp and maybe it was accurate.

But no. I am definitely having a light flow. AF is here. Giving me a 10 day LP last cycle like normal.

Crushed doesn't even begin to describe it.

Fears

I literally just gushed so bad I had to change my clothes. I then had to clean the toilet, twice, trying to get all the blood out. Looked like I murdered someone and it would not stop gushing.

I am really starting to think with those high temp spikes 7 and 8 dpo that something might have implanted and my LP was just too short.

I won't call it a loss without a BFP. I know some people go off of gut instinct and that is perfectly fine. But I just need the confirmation before I can accept it. But it looks very suspicious.

I don't know.

I was talking to a friend last night about why I was dragging my feet with the vitex.

Honestly I am just as afraid to get pregnant as I am hurting because I am not pregnant. I am so afraid of taking something that helps me get pregnant, but doesn't help me stay pregnant and I just keep miscarrying.

On the same hand I want it so bad the thought of taking a month off is just not something I think I can do. I mean sure, I can sit here with AF and tell you I'd wait. But as soon as I started to get ready to ovulate I would give in. DH does not want to stop trying so I of course have him saying we need to do it because I might be fertile. I don't think he could stop trying and keep me strong anymore then I could for myself honestly.

I really hate this whole process. Not sure I can say it enough. So much love and respect to those who deal with this for years. Especially those with kids who still try for years.

I think I'd have more resolve if we didn't have kids already. But since we have 3 I keep going why am I putting myself through all this? And then I hear a pregnancy announcement and it's like being punched in the chest and all I can think is I need to be pregnant!

Someday this will all be a bad memory, right?

CD 4

So if you haven't caught on yet I am going to try to do daily updates. To be honest I usually just forget about this blog because TTC is mostly boring and I try not to obsess but I hope it will keep me temping daily and not giving up.

I need to put up a post about how I am feeling emotionally right now soon just so I can get it out but I have things to do right now so, later!

Today's chart. Temp was 97.03.

CD 3

Still pretty upset from AF showing and still having such messed up cycles. I still just can't believe I am here. I feel bad saying it but anyone would think with my history my only worry was going to be a miscarriage, not struggling to conceive in the first place.

I was talking to Rob last night. I knew he was excited about Tinsel (our new cat) and was kind of using her as our vicarious baby. But when he said today when he told me he wasn't sad that we're now 9 cycles in to this journey and still not pregnant I got upset and told him it felt like he didn't care and that he was making it seem like this was not something he really wanted.

He paused the TV and turned to me and was quiet for a minute and he goes, "I'm trying to protect myself. If I think about it, if I let myself get my hopes up every month, I would be depressed right now. I don't want to think about it because I don't want to think something might be wrong and we're not going to have another baby. So I am doing whatever it takes so that it's not bringing me down every month when it doesn't happen. I do want another baby, and I am going to be so excited when it happens. But until then I just can't think about it."

Kind of reaffirmed to me that he does want this, calm the insecurities and hormones. He's in this with me even if he needs to try to feel it the least amount as possible to protect himself.

In other news, here is my chart for today, temp was 97.73:

CD 2

Didn't temp today. Decided to give myself a day to sleep in. I will get back to it tomorrow.

Here is my chart for today. Bleeding definitely picked up. Pain picked up. Looks like it will be a normal AF. Hopefully not too long.

Not confident this will be my month even a little. Not going to get my hopes up.

It was too hard when AF showed.

So just going to assume it won't be any time soon.

Giving up without giving up.

Or let me say it this way. Giving up hope but not giving up trying.

CD 1 - AF

Temp drop and bleeding. AF is here.

I had my time to cry yesterday morning when it felt like AF was here so today I am just determined. I am going to get some vitex and really try to fix whatever is going wrong here.

On to cycle #9.

AF Is Gone?

So yesterday... nothing. So far this morning (3 1/2 hours in since it's just 3:30 am) nothing.

But I am still having a lot of cramps.

Bah.

AND

The weather is really nice and cool, feels SO good, but my allergies are AWFUL. Like I am sneezing so much my nose keeps bleeding. It's awful. I just want to be able to breathe through my nose!!

I am also completely 100% expecting AF to come in 30ish days. Not betting on getting pregnant this month. At all.

CD 1 - AF

I am going to count this as day 1 since this is the first definite flow I have had. No ovulation last month.

And now, officially -

On to cycle 8...

Spotting

Honestly after the scare with DD #1 I can't be too devastated to see spotting and signs of AF.

I am just so thankful she is going to be ok.

But it still really sucks that not only did I not ovulate but yet another month has gone by with no chance to even get excited and buy tests.

I know AF is not here yet but I really feel like this is probably her so we'll see.

Looks like this was not lucky #7. :(

The Verge Of Tears

I've been trying not to think about it. Trying to stay strong.

But it's exhausting. I have a constant feeling of wanting to cry.

It's right there in the background. My eyes water, a lump wells up in my throat. Anything even slightly emotional will make me cry. It's ridiculous.

I know I should be thankful it was just AF and not another loss. I know I should be thankful I have not been trying nearly as long as so many people.

I know all that and yet... the tears want to come.

I want to just sit and sob and whine about how unfair it is.

God I want to smack myself just reading that because it's so not me. I am not that person. And yet this is what trying is turning me into. Someone I don't want to be.

But I don't want to give up. What does that solve? Nothing except I'll be whining about wanting a baby and not even trying to have one.

I don't want it to be such a big focus, and trust me during the day with the kids it's so not. But at night, once everyone is in bed, all I can think about as I lay there is that my uterus is empty. That I am empty. And I hate feeling this way.

CD 1 - AF

Spotting, feeling crampy, lots of PMS symptoms.

I had such a good feeling at the start of this month. I really thought this was going to be it.

Cried a lot on and off today (thanks PMS) and it's just not fair.

I just want to be pregnant again. We could have announced at Christmas and I would have been like 14 weeks. It would have been perfect.

And AF shows.


Just in time for October 15th.

In the middle of a romantic shower no less.

God I hate this!!

On to cycle #7. :'(

10/17

I am pretty excited because the date 10/17 keeps popping up and I feel like it's a sign maybe? Or maybe the date keeps popping up and I am just crazy thinking I see signs.

AF is still in town. A little odd to have it be this heavy this long, especially with all the bleeding I did last month. I just hope I am not in for a ton of bleeding this cycle and that AF sees herself out asap!

AF

On to cycle #6.