CD 17

Temp today was 97.12

So the twins are 13 months old in a weekish.

When TTC for them (well not really them, but for "#2") we tried when DS#1 was 9 & 10 months old. We took a break when he was 11, 12, and 13 months old. We conceived the twins when he was 14 months old.

So definitely getting hopeful that approaching that time frame will make my body more willing to get a sticky pregnancy again.

We'll see!

CD 16 - No O

Temp today was 97.02. Definitely did not O. I am not disappointed. I really did not think I would O that early, much less after having that much bleeding. I am perfectly ok with my lining needing more time to build up again before putting a baby in it. Although I sincerely hope I can at least get excited this month and POAS!!! So tired of these short LP's and early AF's. I want some excitement!

We're certainly doing our part in this process, come on body and do the rest!!

CD 15

Temp this morning was 97.35. Possibly ovulated CD 14. But I really just think this will be a random temp spike. I don't think I ovulated.

We will see though.

Still having watery/fertile CM. Still not going to chart it yet.

I want this so bad. I have no confidence that it will work. But I want it to. I am ready to be a mom again. Ready to bring another soul into our family.

CD 14

Ok, I did take my temp this morning! I really thought about not doing it when I wasn't tired by 12 pm, but I just seduced my husband and went to bed and got enough sleep for that 4:45 am wake up call!

Temp today as 96.85, definitely have not ovulated yet.

I think a new years day ovulation would be pretty cool but it will probably be more like some time within the first week of January but closer to the end of the first week instead.

We'll see.

I did not pick up any vitex yet. I am going to let this cycle go without anything but prenatals and then get vitex for next cycle. Well we'll see. Truth is I am telling myself that to let myself off the hook this month. So we'll see if I can stick to it or if I come up with another excuse next cycle too.

CD 13

I have decided not to chart CM for now. I think I am having fertile CM. It looks/feels watery. It smells fertile (sorry if that is TMI but I get this distinct scent with fertile CM). But this soon after bleeding I just do not know. I have the screen shots and I can write it down here in case the temps (which I will get back to recording!!!) show I am ovulating soon. My bets are, things are just off right now and I won't be ovulating soon.

We shall see.

Didn't temp because of lack of sleep from the neighbors building catching on fire. Burned 3 units but no one was hurt thank God!

Some Whining

I don't mean to be so negative or dramatic. I really don't. I am just trying to be honest. This is my place to be completely honest. To vent it out.

I am so grateful that I have had 2 successful pregnancies and 3 living children. I really am. I know most people see my 3 kids and can't imagine why I'd want more.

And while I love having twins, I feel cheated. Most people with 3 kids got to have 3 pregnancies. I love being pregnant, so skipping one isn't a good thing for me. I feel jipped out of an experience I love because I got twins and now I have pretty much the max amount of kids society thinks I should have.

But I'm not done. I want more kids.

And now, having trouble? It just sucks. I feel like I have no right to whine with 3 healthy children, most all my pregnancies were easily conceived. But it's so hard, and it REALLY sucks, to be 9 cycles into this and still not have a sticky pregnancy out of it.

I guess I just don't know if I have any right to complain, even though it physically hurts me to see other pregnant women and newborn babies.

I watch the twins grow so fast and think, is this the last time?

I don't think I can continue on miscarrying like this either. It kills me. I am not ready to be done yet, but I don't think I can handle much more. I really don't.

Then we have my super short messed up LP, wacky cycles, wacky temps, and I just can't help but think my body is not ready to support a pregnancy right now. And while I don't want to force it to have one, neither do I want to quit trying because I want this so bad and maybe THIS cycle will be the one cycle where the stars align. If I stop trying how will I know?

I am so confused and if it weren't for DH wanting another and not wanting to stop trying I'd probably at least think of taking a break but his baby fever feeds my baby fever.

I just want this so bad. Shouldn't have to be so hard!

CD 12

I am crap at reading CM. This is all just a guess. Maybe I will even take it out. Seemed watery to me today. Why can't it just be like purple for watery, white for egg white, blue for creamy, etc etc. Right?!?!

We DTD last night. I was worried it would hurt and it was uncomfortable at first, but then we changed positions and it was better.

Thinking my odds of a BFP this month are ZERO. Not even putting myself in the mindset that this cycle will result in a BFP at all.

CD 7

Didn't temp again. DD #1 has decided things are far too exciting around here with my mom visiting and she couldn't possible sleep so she was up screaming a lot last night. I'm so tired.

I am still having gushes but they are further in between. The bleeding is slowing, but still heavy. Still passing small clots.

Still trying not to feel anything right now but it's hard when you just feel so cheated.

CD 6

I just had to throw away another pair of underwear because there was so much blood on it after cleaning. Currently sitting on a black towel with some mesh disposable panties and a pad. At least if I bleed on the towel you can't see the stain.

Sigh. I really really hate this. Won't be surprised if I don't ovulate this cycle.

Part of me wants to break down and cry but I just won't allow myself. I can't do it right now I have too much to do.

Not going to temp today because me and DH will be sleeping in a little in anticipation of my mom coming to visit and everything else I still need to do today. My body needs to rest. I don't think not temping will hurt anything because clearly I am no where near ovulating right now.

Just need to hold it together until after Christmas. Then I can fall apart. A little. Not too much. But a little.

CD 5 & The OB

So last night before I went to bed I had a big gush. Again.

I ran to the bathroom where I passed a clot about the size of a rectangular eraser, this if you can't picture it:

I didn't think that was a good thing but I just went to bed and told DH, who was asleep and not listening to me.

This morning I woke up with his alarm to temp. When I was done I rolled from my side to my back and felt a gush. I ran to the bathroom but this one wasn't too bad thank goodness. No need to change my clothes or scrub the bathroom. Then something catches my eye. About a foot and a half in front of the toilet is blood splattered on the wall!!! It is dried, so I know it came from the big clot last night (that thing splattered all over and I thought I had gotten it all).

I call DH in and at this point he is like that's not normal. I am started to be in a lot of pain. Before I passed the clot last night I was having to verbalize through the cramps they got so bad. So he has me call my OB (this is like 6 am at this point). I leave a message. At 6:30 the nurse calls me back and says if I can make it in right at 8 she will see me.

So DH calls his boss and lets him know I need to go to the Dr.

Right before we go I am kind of waffling at this point like do we NEED to go to the Dr because this is cutting into our fun money for mom's visit right now. And I am laying in bed because of the pain and I roll to my stomach and... gush.

I reach down instantly and my hand comes up bloody.

Let me tell you, there was so much blood I just had to throw my underwear away. It was not ever going to come out no matter how I washed it. My hands were covered in blood.

Went to the Dr and long story short, the urine test came up negative so she did the +/- blood test and it came up negative. However she said with all the bleeding I had I most likely have passed everything and to HER, it sounds like I miscarried. She said that that much bleeding is NOT normal for anyone and if it keeps going like this and doesn't lighten up in 24 hours I need to go be seen by the hospital.

I mean telling you I lost 6 cups of blood last night and this morning would be an underestimate. It was a LOT of blood. She offered to do a beta but I declined. More money I don't want to spend. At this point it doesn't matter whether I was or wasn't pregnant. Clearly it's far too late to save anything.

She again pushed me to get on the pill (balance things out) and I again explained that we do not want to use the pill. After last time I am pretty sure she's put me on her, "Tell her to find a new OB list" but whatever.

So that was my morning so far. Going to mark the chart as a suspected miscarriage from last month and just work on getting my LP extended.

Temp today was 96.93.

Fears

I literally just gushed so bad I had to change my clothes. I then had to clean the toilet, twice, trying to get all the blood out. Looked like I murdered someone and it would not stop gushing.

I am really starting to think with those high temp spikes 7 and 8 dpo that something might have implanted and my LP was just too short.

I won't call it a loss without a BFP. I know some people go off of gut instinct and that is perfectly fine. But I just need the confirmation before I can accept it. But it looks very suspicious.

I don't know.

I was talking to a friend last night about why I was dragging my feet with the vitex.

Honestly I am just as afraid to get pregnant as I am hurting because I am not pregnant. I am so afraid of taking something that helps me get pregnant, but doesn't help me stay pregnant and I just keep miscarrying.

On the same hand I want it so bad the thought of taking a month off is just not something I think I can do. I mean sure, I can sit here with AF and tell you I'd wait. But as soon as I started to get ready to ovulate I would give in. DH does not want to stop trying so I of course have him saying we need to do it because I might be fertile. I don't think he could stop trying and keep me strong anymore then I could for myself honestly.

I really hate this whole process. Not sure I can say it enough. So much love and respect to those who deal with this for years. Especially those with kids who still try for years.

I think I'd have more resolve if we didn't have kids already. But since we have 3 I keep going why am I putting myself through all this? And then I hear a pregnancy announcement and it's like being punched in the chest and all I can think is I need to be pregnant!

Someday this will all be a bad memory, right?

CD 4

So if you haven't caught on yet I am going to try to do daily updates. To be honest I usually just forget about this blog because TTC is mostly boring and I try not to obsess but I hope it will keep me temping daily and not giving up.

I need to put up a post about how I am feeling emotionally right now soon just so I can get it out but I have things to do right now so, later!

Today's chart. Temp was 97.03.

CD 3

Still pretty upset from AF showing and still having such messed up cycles. I still just can't believe I am here. I feel bad saying it but anyone would think with my history my only worry was going to be a miscarriage, not struggling to conceive in the first place.

I was talking to Rob last night. I knew he was excited about Tinsel (our new cat) and was kind of using her as our vicarious baby. But when he said today when he told me he wasn't sad that we're now 9 cycles in to this journey and still not pregnant I got upset and told him it felt like he didn't care and that he was making it seem like this was not something he really wanted.

He paused the TV and turned to me and was quiet for a minute and he goes, "I'm trying to protect myself. If I think about it, if I let myself get my hopes up every month, I would be depressed right now. I don't want to think about it because I don't want to think something might be wrong and we're not going to have another baby. So I am doing whatever it takes so that it's not bringing me down every month when it doesn't happen. I do want another baby, and I am going to be so excited when it happens. But until then I just can't think about it."

Kind of reaffirmed to me that he does want this, calm the insecurities and hormones. He's in this with me even if he needs to try to feel it the least amount as possible to protect himself.

In other news, here is my chart for today, temp was 97.73:

CD 2

Didn't temp today. Decided to give myself a day to sleep in. I will get back to it tomorrow.

Here is my chart for today. Bleeding definitely picked up. Pain picked up. Looks like it will be a normal AF. Hopefully not too long.

Not confident this will be my month even a little. Not going to get my hopes up.

It was too hard when AF showed.

So just going to assume it won't be any time soon.

Giving up without giving up.

Or let me say it this way. Giving up hope but not giving up trying.

CD 1 - AF

Temp drop and bleeding. AF is here.

I had my time to cry yesterday morning when it felt like AF was here so today I am just determined. I am going to get some vitex and really try to fix whatever is going wrong here.

On to cycle #9.

2nd EDD, One Left To Go

Today was another EDD. I am trying not to dwell on it but I am pissed, angry.

Can't stop crying.

Just want to scream IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!

I don't want to be like this, I HATE this!

I Hope It Works!!

Some friends got together and got me this! I love it!

I really really hope I get my Christmas miracle this month!!!

Sunday Morning

DH woke me up Sunday morning by saying "let's make a baby" and then he rubbed my stomach over my uterus, like massaged it.

And then we spent the next 2 hours working on that baby! Only bad part is I am probably not fertile yet haha. Still, I just love mornings like that.

Is it weird that I am super hopeful I get pregnant now because I could just feel his happiness and all his positive energy and I am weird and I hope that that does it???

CD 11. Waiting to O.

Temp is super high, normally this would mean pregnancy but I think now it just means my progesterone is increasing well with the b6 so I am happy for that. Hoping it stays this way! Or I get pregnant and don't have to care about progesterone being high enough in my cycle.

AF Is Gone?

So yesterday... nothing. So far this morning (3 1/2 hours in since it's just 3:30 am) nothing.

But I am still having a lot of cramps.

Bah.

AND

The weather is really nice and cool, feels SO good, but my allergies are AWFUL. Like I am sneezing so much my nose keeps bleeding. It's awful. I just want to be able to breathe through my nose!!

I am also completely 100% expecting AF to come in 30ish days. Not betting on getting pregnant this month. At all.

When "When" Becomes "If"

I told a friend tonight "if" we're ever blessed again with a child.

I wasn't even thinking about it.

In fact it didn't hit me until just now, about an hour later.

And I realized. I have given up.

I don't actually feel like it's going to happen any minute now.

I have peed on one stick in 3 months and that was only because I was hoping it would bring AF on (it did), not because I thought it would be positive (it wasn't).

I had a dream awhile ago. I told a few friends about. But I told them a different version. The version I told them went like this:

I peed on a stick, it was positive. It was only half as dark as the control line and I showed my mom and she was SO happy. Jumping up and down and just thrilled. I peed on 3 more with DH there and he was so happy and each test would be twice as dark as the last.

And then DH woke me up and dream over.

But this is how the dream really went:

I was bleeding and I peed on a stick. It came up half as dark as the control line but I showed my mom and she was really happy. I told DH and I peed on 3 more. Each was darker then the next and as I laid the 3 down on the counter next to the first one (so it was 4 in a row) there was so much blood on them that I had to wipe away the blood to even see the result. I kept saying "but I'm bleeding" and DH in my dream kept saying "but look how dark they are!".

And then DH woke me up.

Maybe I am reading too much into it but I felt like each test symbolized a miscarriage. Now it could be argued that me and DH already had 4 so maybe that was it. Or it could mean 4 in a row since I laid them all out in a row which means I am in for one more.

Or it could mean I am in for 4 more.

Or it could just be a dream and I am reading way too much into it.

Cycle #8. Just seems way too close to 1 year. :(

CD 1 - AF

I am going to count this as day 1 since this is the first definite flow I have had. No ovulation last month.

And now, officially -

On to cycle 8...

Spotting

Honestly after the scare with DD #1 I can't be too devastated to see spotting and signs of AF.

I am just so thankful she is going to be ok.

But it still really sucks that not only did I not ovulate but yet another month has gone by with no chance to even get excited and buy tests.

I know AF is not here yet but I really feel like this is probably her so we'll see.

Looks like this was not lucky #7. :(

Estimated

November 16th.

December 7th.

April 14th.

My EDD's for my 3 miscarriages of 2012.

Please let there not be anymore this year.

Well

As soon as I stopped bleeding we started trying. We had had sex and the next morning was the twins' appointment.

Well after the news we received about DD #1 we talked and DH said he'd rather wait to see if she had an issue with the thing they think she has an issue with before we continue trying because we don't know what treatments or possibly surgeries she might need and the thought of going through that with me pregnant or with a new baby was not appealing.

However that night as we laid in bed and talked and cried and just discussed all our fears and reassured each other one thing lead to another. I asked him after what that was about and reminded him he'd wanted to wait and he said he was sorry but he changed his mind. I said no need to be sorry. I am trying to operate under the belief that she will be fine and just go about life as normal until the specialist tells me other wise.

So we're now day 3 into baby dancing, 2 minutes from CD 15.

I can test around October 10th.

So yeah, that's where we are at.

A Rock And A Sharp Place

I know that's not the saying but just go with it.

I feel isolated. Like I can't complain about what is going on because either my friends have never had to struggle and can't see why I even want another child (hard place) or they've had to struggle a lot longer then I have and they just naturally can't help but feel like if I get pregnant it was still less of a struggle then what they went through (sharp place - because a few of them might just want to stab me for whining).

I don't want to be a little whiny bitch. I know I whine a lot on here but that's because this is my blog and my place and I don't expect a response back like in conversation. I am not whining on here for pats on the back or reassurances. It's purely to get it out.

I don't know why I am having such a hard time with this number in all honesty. 6 months doesn't sound too long to be trying. It doesn't feel good, but it doesn't sound like a huge amount of time. But then when you say 7 months it's like, holy shit. No sticky pregnancy in 7 MONTHS?!

I don't want to be bitter, I DON'T want to be a whiner, and I really REALLY don't want to be disrespectful to those who have had a longer struggle to have a(nother) baby.

I just don't quite know what I am supposed to do. Am I allowed to feel my feelings? Am I supposed to feel like these feelings are irrational and it's not as bad as it seems? Am I not supposed to be upset yet at all? I don't know.

In other news AF is FINALLY gone today after being here 11 DAYS!!!! Holy mother of fuck that is hands down the longest AF I have ever had that wasn't a miscarriage. And no, I do not think it was a miscarriage.

Thinking of starting some vit c this month and seeing what happens. Also going to start temping tomorrow since I finally found my BBT after moving.

The Verge Of Tears

I've been trying not to think about it. Trying to stay strong.

But it's exhausting. I have a constant feeling of wanting to cry.

It's right there in the background. My eyes water, a lump wells up in my throat. Anything even slightly emotional will make me cry. It's ridiculous.

I know I should be thankful it was just AF and not another loss. I know I should be thankful I have not been trying nearly as long as so many people.

I know all that and yet... the tears want to come.

I want to just sit and sob and whine about how unfair it is.

God I want to smack myself just reading that because it's so not me. I am not that person. And yet this is what trying is turning me into. Someone I don't want to be.

But I don't want to give up. What does that solve? Nothing except I'll be whining about wanting a baby and not even trying to have one.

I don't want it to be such a big focus, and trust me during the day with the kids it's so not. But at night, once everyone is in bed, all I can think about as I lay there is that my uterus is empty. That I am empty. And I hate feeling this way.

CD 1 - AF

Spotting, feeling crampy, lots of PMS symptoms.

I had such a good feeling at the start of this month. I really thought this was going to be it.

Cried a lot on and off today (thanks PMS) and it's just not fair.

I just want to be pregnant again. We could have announced at Christmas and I would have been like 14 weeks. It would have been perfect.

And AF shows.


Just in time for October 15th.

In the middle of a romantic shower no less.

God I hate this!!

On to cycle #7. :'(

And It Begins

The peace is gone and the roller coaster begins.

I no longer feel hopeful for this month. I really feel like it's not going to happen.

Before O I playfully told DH we could announce at Christmas.

Now I am not even expecting to be pregnant by Christmas.

I don't even want to test. I haven't even bought any yet. I just want to wait this one out.

I am just not feeling it.

CD 18 - Ovulation?

Wow I promise I have not forgotten about this blog, it's just been a crazy roller coaster!

Yesterday morning I was growing concerned that I'd had all these O signs and no EWCM but I finally had some last night so it looks like I am O'ing/did O yesterday.

I will be testing on the 17th just because of all the signs but if it's negative I won't bother to test again unless I am having pregnancy symptoms or it's been 14 days since my CM dried up. Hoping this is it!!

And Again

Remember this?

It happened again.

She is due when I was due with my first miscarriage since the twins.

And now another cousin's girlfriend, whose child is not 1 yet, just announced they are expecting in April.

You know, the month I was due in before my miscarriage a little over a month ago?

I try so hard not to be bitter and mean. That's not who I want to be.

But it really hurts. Why couldn't that be me? Why do I miscarry and my cousins and their wives don't?

It isn't fair.

I just want to be pregnant again. I want to bring another beautiful soul into our family. I want to give my kids another sibling to grow with.

I feel like a complete failure that I can't do this now.

10/17

I am pretty excited because the date 10/17 keeps popping up and I feel like it's a sign maybe? Or maybe the date keeps popping up and I am just crazy thinking I see signs.

AF is still in town. A little odd to have it be this heavy this long, especially with all the bleeding I did last month. I just hope I am not in for a ton of bleeding this cycle and that AF sees herself out asap!

AF

On to cycle #6.

When To Test?

I have been asked a few times when I will test since I am not temping and won't know when AF is set to show.

According to my average cycle length, 29 days, that would be around October 10th. But my longest cycle was 38 days. So I decided to be safe, if AF has not arrived by CD 40 then I will test. That would be October 21st.

So there you have it, more then a month away from possibly testing. Now if I start throwing up around the second week of October I might just test to see. But if I feel nothing I will just wait out AF. I imagine she'll arrive right on time though.

Ow

Thought I was doing better.

Not sure how a little thing like an unplanned BFP can hurt so bad.

But it does. It really really does.

God I hate this.

Dear Body, WTH Are You Doing?!

So no spotting for awhile and all was well.

And then of course today I spot.

I think we might just take a DTD break for a few weeks since the spotting is happening after we DTD. Hopefully that will be the end.

We have officially agreed to NTNP until December, where we will resume charting and full on TTC again.

If it happens in that time period, awesome. If not I am ok too. I just can't handle the trying and the failing. Taking the pressure off. Right now it's easy because I am focusing on the move, hopefully later in the month I can focus on potty training DS #1, and after that birthday preparations and Christmas shopping I guess.

Time moves so fast and yet I have a feeling without charting and day counting and symptom spotting to focus on these next months are going to drag. Hopefully not, but that's what I am feeling.

The Blues

I haven't spoken too much about it here. I mean clearly I am devastated by the recent loss.

But I have at least told DH.

I am depressed.

I have a hard time getting myself out of bed. I am so checked out right now and poor DS #1 is really at an age where he notices and he's been very unhappy. This past weekend I could barely get out of my bed and he was crying at the door begging for me and I just felt like the most awful mom in the world.

I wish it didn't effect me this bad. I wish I could say this isn't working out and it's making me depressed so I'll just stop trying and think about something else.

Trust me I've tried. But unless I shut off FB and stop talking to all my friends and don't watch TV, and avoid ever leaving the house, pregnancy and TTC is going to be constantly thrown in my face.

It physically hurts me to see ultrasounds, and bump pictures, and pregnancy updates. I want it so bad I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't. I wish I was still in the mindset pre March where I was so done having kids for a few years. I don't understand why I had to go through that. Why couldn't I have just NOT gotten pregnant? You know, like the birth control was SUPPOSED to do.

I really feel had I not had that loss, and especially the one the next month, I would never have started TTC so soon. Which wouldn't have lead to 4 months of stress and another miscarriage, which wouldn't lead to almost a month of bleeding, which wouldn't lead to me sitting here at the end of cycle #5 crying because I just don't think it's ever going to happen and I don't know what the right choice is.

I can't shut that voice up in the back of my head that tells me everyone is glad it's taking me a long time to get a sticky pregnancy since most of my friends have struggled at one time or the other TTC, and I got twins so it's only fair right?

I just hate this process. I never realized how lonely it feels even when you know other people struggling to conceive or stay pregnant as well.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!!!!

Checked the pregnancy thread on a message board I used to post on.

I knew I shouldn't have but I thought I was ok.

I was so hesitant to join it. I kept telling her not to add my ticker because I was afraid it would jinx me.

I found out she did indeed add it the day I miscarried.

I know it's not her fault and I don't blame her, at all.

But damn that hurt to see.

And then it gets worse.

I didn't tell them until 2 weeks later that I had miscarried.

And I just read a response from one of them.

She said I must be the most fertile person in the world.

God that pisses me off. Before this baby I'd still miscarried 5 others. I only had 2 pregnancies make it to term. I am NOT even CLOSE to the most fertile person in the world.

Maybe getting pregnant counts as being really fertile but it doesn't mean shit if I miscarry! I'd rather have a really hard time getting pregnant then keep miscarrying and trying and miscarrying and trying.

It hurts so bad it's like a hole in my chest. A painful empty vortex and I can't breathe and I just want to scream and cry that it's not fair and I am not fertile I am BROKEN!!!

Decision Made... For Now

I say for now because neither me nor DH feels 100% about which way we should go on this. Trying or not trying.

So for now we've decided to go ahead and try this month, and next month we'll just see. God willing we won't need to discuss it then but honestly I don't think I'm getting pregnant this month. Even just a few hours ago I was spotting red. So odds are, not going to be pregnant for awhile.

Quite heart breaking. Makes me angry at my body. But I am also ok with more time. More time to prepare emotionally and physically for the next round of "is that a real line?" and such.

What I'm Feeling

Hurt. It hurts so unbelievably much to see friends pregnant bellies and ultrasounds and hear them talk about pregnancy cravings.

Getting some fertility signs made me have to face whether or not we were going to try or prevent this cycle much sooner then I was expecting. I mean this is normal, but I thought ovulation might be delayed with the loss.

So here's what it comes down to:

I want a baby so bad it hurts. I want to be hugely pregnant. I want to see the little one on the ultrasound.

I want to fight for and successfully have a VBAC.

I want a little newborn (or two) to complete our family. Maybe for forever, maybe just for a few years.

But:

I am terrified of getting pregnant and losing it again.

I am worried this is not a good time.

I am worried even if it is the right time my family won't see it that way.

I guess those last 2 reasons kind of are all the same worry. It's mostly #1 I am worried about.

So what do I do?

I honestly don't know. I think my brain is leaning towards waiting, but my heart is leaning towards trying. I guess I'll let DH be the one to decide which part wins.

What To Do

I have been quiet lately working on projects, playing with the kids. Trying not to focus on having another baby as much.

Part of me, honestly, doesn't want to try any more. Ever again.

I WANT another baby. Not just another baby but several more kids.

But part of me is so done with the trying process.

On the other hand the thought of preventing or not temping and tracking is hard. Am I ready to really give up that "control"?

Right now packing and preparing for the move and life and stress is a good distraction. I just worry about once we've moved in and settled down.

Shouldn't be this hard.

A Week

It's been a week now. Getting easier? A little.

I still cry at the drop of a hat.

Things have been stressful around here and I know my crazy emotions are to blame.

I guess the good part is having the kids to focus on. I am sure they are enjoying all the extra loving and attention they are getting.

Been keeping busy with my new hobby as well. After my orders are done DH said I can do the entire alphabet to help teach DS #1 his letters. He loves playing with them so I know he will love it. I am thinking rainbow order for sure.

I am happy to have a new hobby. Hopefully people will keep putting in orders. That would be great.

Nothing else new to report. Still moving forward. One dragging foot step at a time.

Yesterday

My cousin's wife announced she was 5 months pregnant yesterday. She conceived when her first was just 8 months old.

Like how the twins are now.

I am not sure why but it hit me really really hard. My very heart beat in my chest hurt. I couldn't breathe. I started shaking and crying and I just laid in bed and didn't get up again for about 7 hours. It took until tonight to start feeling better to be honest.

It still hurts so much it leaves me gasping for air. Doesn't help that despite light bleeding yesterday I was having very very painful cramps. Today I had a few I had to stop talking and just breathe through. And my bleeding picked up a lot today. I know it's normal for me to bleed longer with chemical pregnancies but I guess I was hoping it would be completely gone today after how light it was yesterday.

I've been talking to DH a lot about how I feel, trying to keep him in the loop. I tend to want to just be left alone when going through this but I know that makes it hard on him.

We decided that we're just going to leave it to God. No more temping or charting. If I reach CD 40 I will test. If AF comes it comes. I am not ready to try again but I am not ready to prevent either. So we're leaving it up to God. He will decide when it's time.

Right now I am not thinking too much about it. I don't think it will be this month anyway so I don't want to think on it too much. Enough disappointment already.

Hardest Yet?

Maybe this sounds bad, but I am glad that no pregnancies worked out before DH. I really believe my life would be so much worse had I not lost the 2 babies, either father is truly not a good person, not just an immature guy but just plain not a good person. One became a drug dealer and one was accused of rape a few years later.

So those weren't really hard. More relief. It wasn't right.

My first loss while married to DH was pretty hard. I guess part of me thought after having DS #1 I wouldn't go through that again. So it was a shock. But we were both unemployed and living with my dad and I know I definitely was not ready to do it again.

After the twins, that first loss was really hard. I was shocked. We had an entire week of being shocked, and then just when I started to get excited, it was over. And it was SO hard. When it happened again the next cycle I was in disbelief. But I also figured my body just wasn't ready and this was why.

All my losses were accidents. Babies I had to recover from huge shock from before I was happy.

This time however, we'd been trying for 4 months. We were sure we wanted this. When I first saw the lines getting darker those first 2 days I was ecstatic. I danced around the living room with DS #2 and DD #1. I cheered, I was over the moon.

And then on day 3 my test wasn't as dark as I was expecting it to be. I was devastated. But later I did allow myself to be convinced it was getting darker. And I began to hope again.

But then I started spotting. And I was crushed. I know I spotted with the twins but it was less then this. And I had a super dark BFP to give me hope.

And then of course I started really bleeding. And the anger set in. Not only did I try the longest I have ever had to try for this baby, but I was losing it. Not only had I had the brief moments of ecstasy, but now I was mourning it.

It's left me feeling so angry and broken. It's a new level of pain. I always told myself with my other losses I didn't have much room to complain because after all, it wasn't like the losses my friends had had where they'd been trying for months. My losses couldn't compare to theirs.

And of course no ones loss can really compare to someone else's.

But now I know this pain. I know the pain of trying and wishing and hoping and OBSESSING and the  pure excitement of a hard earned BFP, only to have it all taken away from you.

And I am not sure how to be "normal" again now. Yet another piece of innocence stolen from an experience that most people get to take for granted.

Just An Update

I've been pretty sick the past 2 days. I haven't managed to keep anything down, not even crackers.

DH got up at 3 am because I felt hungry and went to the store for me. Yesterday morning I woke up to the living room picked up so that I could just vacuum when I was up. He's also let me go to bed as soon as he gets off work and he takes the kids, feeds them, and puts them to bed.

He hasn't acted particularly sad but these things show me he's hurting and wanting to make things better for me. Every night he has come in and held me while I cried however.

He told me this morning he was really sad, and then walked away. But mostly he just keeps saying that it's going to happen. We will have another baby someday.

I am not sure I believe that any more. But we did decide something.

CD 1 - Goodbye Baby

I was very hopeful.

I was nervous to test. Wondering if I should put it off another day.

In the end I decided to just get it over with.

A lot of times I will wipe before I test, just to check for blood so I don't waste a test.

This time I didn't.

So of course when yet another faint line showed, and I was disappointed and went to wipe, there was a bunch of red blood to make it all that much worse.

Honestly I am relieved the limbo is over, but I am so numb and upset right now. I know that doesn't make any sense because when you're numb you shouldn't feel anything. But it's more that I am so upset I can't even let myself feel right now.

I knew in my heart when those lines didn't darken as much as I hoped it wasn't going to work but I wanted it so bad and every line that got darker and every day that went by without bleeding I became more and more hopeful.

I feel so completely empty.

More Limbo

DTD night before last and woke up to a lot of brown CM. Had to wipe 3-4 times to get all the brown CM clear of me. I thought for sure this was a sign it was over and waited for the rest of the bleeding to start.

Only it didn't.

I had taken a $1 test and it came out negative. Think maybe there was a shadow on it but maybe that was wishful thinking? The FRER was positive. About as dark as yesterday but I think less pink?

Sigh.

I am not going to test again until Tuesday. Wednesday makes a week since my first line so if nothing has changed and darkened a week later I am in trouble.

All my symptoms but being tired have gone. But that could be explained by my lack of caffeine and awful sleeping habits of late.

Oh and lots and lots of cramping.

Feeling Better

I hope this post isn't followed by one about how stupid I was for writing this post.

I am feeling pretty hopeful right now. The lines are getting darker, they are really there, that's all that matters right now.

Bloating super bad right now so I have this big ole bump. Even bigger then when I took my official 4 weeks picture earlier.

Yeah, it's gross but it's not a real bump, it's just bloat, so it's not supposed to be pretty.

It's really hitting me tonight that I am pregnant again. It feels so weird.

Please God let me be bringing home a healthy baby in April!

Limbo - 13 DPO

I don't feel pregnant. I think this is what makes me feel so worried.

I wish I knew how the start of my pregnancies felt but I can't remember and I didn't blog about early pregnancy. So even though I am not sure I am even really going to have a healthy pregnancy, here it goes.

I am exhausted. That is the biggest thing. I can sleep a solid 12 hours at night and still want to nap with the kids.

I get heartburn immediately after eating, no matter what I ate.

I have had on and off nausea, even throwing up twice so far.

Lots of bowel problems. I am either constipated or running to the bathroom.

I am terrified. I am going to the bathroom every hour just to check for blood. I know stress isn't good and I promise I am not stressing as much as it seems, but that walk down the hall to the bathroom I am telling myself in my head to expect blood.

Tomorrow I am 4 weeks. 36 more to go. Right?

Another Miscarriage?

I feel so broken right now. So unbelievably hurt and... I don't even know how to put it into words.

Today's test was not any darker then yesterday's. Say what you want, but I've been down this road more then once. If I am not getting a clear line by now it's just a matter of time before I start bleeding.

DH wants to start trying right away again. He teared up when I showed him the test. Part of me wants to try again for him and part of me wants to just give up.

It's not fair. It's not fair.

I'm Pregnant!

10 DPO - BFP?!

I guess we'll find out.

9 DPO

Almost there!

My temp was up today, down slightly from my last one but I didn't temp on time last time and it was also pretty high for me so I am not worried.

I have decided if my temp is still up tomorrow I will test, and if it drops I won't bother and I will just wait for AF to show.

Threw up last night and was feeling very sick. I am feeling sick this morning but not sure if I am really not feeling well or if it's in my head.

I am excited that in less then 24 hours I will know if I am out or still in the game, or possibly even PREGNANT!

Some of my exciting IPS for the day is another bought of heartburn. I keep getting it but I am trying to chalk it up to what I eat and not get excited.

A sign I can't explain away is this metallic taste in my mouth. I have tried eating and drinking and brushing my teeth and I cannot get the taste out of my mouth. I had this with DS #1 too so I am pretty excited!

I also have sore nipples. Normally my boobs ache before AF but they are fine, it's just my nipples that are sore.

8 DPO

I know, it's so super early, but...

BFN.

I can't help myself.

Of course now I am crampy, all last night was craving salt and chocolate.

Pretty sure AF is on her way.

It sucks. :(

I know I said this last month, but I REALLY thought this was going to be my month.

I mean really, how can it take ME more then 4 months to try? Me whose gotten pregnant 4 times on accident with DH, who only had to try for 3 months and got twins? I know I get annoyed when people say how fertile I am all the time, but I never thought I was ever going to have any trouble.

I know 5 months isn't a huge amount of time, and I know technically AF isn't here yet.

But it feels like a long time, and I am pretty sure AF is definitely coming. :(

7 DPO

Big temp jump today. Fingers crossed!!!

6 DPO

Starting to feel out. I know it's early yet but I am cramping, my skin is breaking out, and I am craving salt and chocolate.

Yeah. Not good signs.

I stopped temping once O was confirmed. I told Rob I'd stop obsessing.

The only good thing is if it doesn't work out, next month I have a shot at a May EDD, and I will officially have made the recommended 18 months in between births (unless of course it ends up being twins and I go early).

Even though I would love a May EDD, the thought of not being pregnant this month is kind of soul crushing. I mean seriously, to even think having to say the words (well type lol):

"AF came, on to cycle #5."

Breaks my heart a little.

Cycle #5? Really?

I know I still have 5 days until AF, but I just feel like things weren't going so well this cycle as far as CM volume, the lack of, and slow temp rise.

I know we'll know soon enough but part of me is just sure it's not going to happen this cycle. :(

4 DPO!

FF finally confirmed O! I am worried the lack of much fertile CM and the low temps mean a poor quality egg but I am still hopeful.

Testing probably in a week!

Frustrated

I knew there was a stigma for those who already have several kids and who are TTC.

That their journey is less heart breaking or meaningful because they have BTDT.

I know because I saw a friend with 4 girls try for 3 years to conceive again.

So it's not surprising that I am getting it now. That people think because I already have 3 I am not deserving of their prayers or their support.

It's most annoying to me because I have always felt no matter how many you want, you deserve to have that many. I have sent just as many prayers for those trying for their 7th, 2nd, or 5th, as those trying for their first.

Not saying I am perfect. Just saying it's annoying not everyone can share that view point. Especially when it comes from someone currently pregnant with their second on their FIRST month trying, not someone who has never conceived at all and might have a little tiny bit of right to say something like that to me.

A Quote To Remember

The same friend I mentioned last post told me this today, and I wanted to write it down so I don't forget it.

I am going to be pregnant eventually. It is going to happen. So every month that goes by, it means I'm one cycle closer to when it *is* going to happen.

Friends Who Get It

Talking to a friend today about my 4 month blues. For once I feel like someone really got what I was talking about with the stigma of 4-5 months.

She told me 50% of women get pregnant within the first 3 months. Another 10% by 6 months. And another 30%, bringing it up to 90% by 12 months.

She has been trying 2 years next month, but the longest she's been trying is 4 months. Let me explain, she gets pregnant but miscarries early, within 2 months most times. The longest she has gone between pregnancies is 4 months.

So she was able to relate to my 4 month blues. Going past 3 months and no longer being in the 50% category. Getting to that point where the voice in your head starts saying you're no longer in the normal range. Maybe something is wrong.

For as long as she has tried she gets pregnant fairly easily. She recently discovered she has a disorder preventing long term pregnancy and will need to have shots or perhaps a pill every day to keep her pregnancy. But even with all that she can still sit with me and say yeah, when I get to 4 months it's hard. It's the point I start to worry.

Got a temp dip today so we'll see if it's O. Fingers crossed!

Feeling Down

I'm so bummed. I feel bad even complaining because most of my friends have tried longer to have a baby then I have. I just feel like, why is this happening?

I should have been 4 or 5 months along right now. Having my ultrasound, either finding out the gender or happy that we resisted the urge.

And yet here I am. Miserable, gushing blood. Left with an empty uterus. It just hurts. TTC sucked when it took 3 months with the twins. I was hoping to never have to do it again.

And now here we are, month 4. Please God let this be the last month.

On To Cycle #4

Really surprised to even be writing that. I was so sure I was pregnant I was thinking whether or not I go to my old OB or pick a new one.

Sigh.

CD 11 Ovulation?

Well FF sure thinks I O'd on CD 11 anyway!

CD 1 - AF

On to cycle #3. :(

2 Week Wait

Ok so 99% sure I O'd on CD 18 based on CM and cramping. Been awful about temping this month though.

Here We Go

AF is finally gone so we DTD tonight. It's not even close to my fertile time yet but I am happy that it's finally time. That long AF made me feel like my cycle was never going to end!

CD 2, Definitely AF

I was really nervous that when AF full on started it was going to be hard. Going to be a bad reminder.

But it's so completely not like a miscarriage I feel silly for even being worried. It's been awhile since I've had a period and honestly, I forgot what it felt like!

Sure I have some cramps but really I feel fine. A little bloated but no where near the bloating I get while pregnant.

I feel a little tired and honestly that bothers me more then the cramps. I certainly don't feel like I need to go take as much as a tylenol.

In an odd way though, it still is a reminder of how both losses were definitely losses. Feeling how different this feels and remembering how awful those were... the thoughts in my head just keep going, "you really lost 2 babies in a row, you can't deny it!" and honestly all I really want is to pretend it never happened.

It makes me feel guilty to admit that, like I am betraying those babies. But I would rather pretend it didn't happen then talk about it.

Maybe this month will be the month baby #4 comes to stay.

Spotting

So I think this is it.

Pretty disappointed to be honest. I was really hoping it would be that easy. Hard thinking about how far along I'd be with each of my last pregnancies and knowing I am not pregnant and yet another month has gone by.

Yeah. Sucks.

Naturally my first mother's day as a mom of 3 will be spent most likely, with AF.

Awesome.

Who Knows?

So if I O'd Sunday AF is due today. No sign still. If I O'd Monday, AF is due tomorrow. I do not think I am pregnant at all. Definite BFN this morning. Like, no shadow line or anything I can even hope with. Nothing.

Of course AF is going to show tonight or tomorrow, ruining my date night Saturday and making Mother's Day out in the park for a birthday party unbearable. I might have to skip the party to be honest. I don't know if my period will be heavy or go back to normal and I don't want to be having a heavy flow while at a park for hours.

A Correction

My previous post was wrong. Thursday is NOT 10 dpo. Thursday is 11 dpo, and AF is due that day. So if it doesn't show but I get a BFN I will wait 2 more days.

There is a chance I O'd Monday and not Sunday and that would make it only 10 dpo, so if nothing happens by Friday I am officially late by either standard. I feel strongly that I O'd on Sunday but we'll see.

The 1 Week Wait

I think the best part of having such a short LP is that I know a lot sooner whether I am pregnant or not.

My LP RARELY changes. So essentially if I reach 11 DPO I am late, AF is MIA.

I usually spot 10 DPO and AF full on comes at 11 DPO. So if there I will be testing on Thursday, 10 DPO. If I get a BFN and AF doesn't show that day or the next I will test on Saturday.

If BFP I will test every day until I believe it lol! I have 3 FRER's and 2 digitals so we're set! :)

5 DPO

Ok so I am calling Sunday O day until proven otherwise!

Sometimes I am like , wow 5 DPO already? And yet at the same time I am dying to test!!!

Honestly my gut feeling is AF will show, and I will not be pregnant.

I am ok with that. It's in God's hands.

But if I am pregnant? I want to know now!!

So excited!

Thursday. Come on Thursday!

1 Or 2 DPO

Well I didn't expect there to be a possiblity this month!

BUT, here we are, and I am so excited!

OPK's did NOT work this month, not sure why, but they just failed. My last one was a few days ago and it was almost negative. However I took it when I hadn't peed in like 8 hours so maybe that threw it off? They say no FMU and while it wasn't FMU it was still a long time since the last time I peed.

Regardless, SURPRISE! I ovulated lol.

Part of me is like, it took 3 months with the twins, don't get excited, but another part is like it's April, of course I will get pregnant in April! I have the last 3 years in a row!

I guess we'll see in a week!

CD 12

Because I am dying to see 2 pink lines...

CD 12 OPK - NEGATIVE

Intro

Well I guess I'll start by saying I am a married mother to 3. My oldest son is 3 and my youngest 2 are 1 year old boy/girl twins.

I have PCOS and me and my husband have had several miscarriages, 3 so far together.

We have always wanted a big family, we always wanted 5. We never counted on twins, but we know just how blessed we are to have made it through that pregnancy with two living babies. We were told with our history of loss (which at that point was just 3 because I had 2 losses before meeting my husband) that most likely one or both twins would die.

Shortly after having the twins we became pregnant unexpectedly. We miscarried after announcing to the world, and it was devastating. Followed immediately after by another loss, which lead us to figure out our box of condoms had been defective.

Me and my husband made the choice to begin trying again, despite the twins just being 4 months old.

This is our journey to rainbow baby #4!