When "When" Becomes "If"

I told a friend tonight "if" we're ever blessed again with a child.

I wasn't even thinking about it.

In fact it didn't hit me until just now, about an hour later.

And I realized. I have given up.

I don't actually feel like it's going to happen any minute now.

I have peed on one stick in 3 months and that was only because I was hoping it would bring AF on (it did), not because I thought it would be positive (it wasn't).

I had a dream awhile ago. I told a few friends about. But I told them a different version. The version I told them went like this:

I peed on a stick, it was positive. It was only half as dark as the control line and I showed my mom and she was SO happy. Jumping up and down and just thrilled. I peed on 3 more with DH there and he was so happy and each test would be twice as dark as the last.

And then DH woke me up and dream over.

But this is how the dream really went:

I was bleeding and I peed on a stick. It came up half as dark as the control line but I showed my mom and she was really happy. I told DH and I peed on 3 more. Each was darker then the next and as I laid the 3 down on the counter next to the first one (so it was 4 in a row) there was so much blood on them that I had to wipe away the blood to even see the result. I kept saying "but I'm bleeding" and DH in my dream kept saying "but look how dark they are!".

And then DH woke me up.

Maybe I am reading too much into it but I felt like each test symbolized a miscarriage. Now it could be argued that me and DH already had 4 so maybe that was it. Or it could mean 4 in a row since I laid them all out in a row which means I am in for one more.

Or it could mean I am in for 4 more.

Or it could just be a dream and I am reading way too much into it.

Cycle #8. Just seems way too close to 1 year. :(