Fears

I literally just gushed so bad I had to change my clothes. I then had to clean the toilet, twice, trying to get all the blood out. Looked like I murdered someone and it would not stop gushing.

I am really starting to think with those high temp spikes 7 and 8 dpo that something might have implanted and my LP was just too short.

I won't call it a loss without a BFP. I know some people go off of gut instinct and that is perfectly fine. But I just need the confirmation before I can accept it. But it looks very suspicious.

I don't know.

I was talking to a friend last night about why I was dragging my feet with the vitex.

Honestly I am just as afraid to get pregnant as I am hurting because I am not pregnant. I am so afraid of taking something that helps me get pregnant, but doesn't help me stay pregnant and I just keep miscarrying.

On the same hand I want it so bad the thought of taking a month off is just not something I think I can do. I mean sure, I can sit here with AF and tell you I'd wait. But as soon as I started to get ready to ovulate I would give in. DH does not want to stop trying so I of course have him saying we need to do it because I might be fertile. I don't think he could stop trying and keep me strong anymore then I could for myself honestly.

I really hate this whole process. Not sure I can say it enough. So much love and respect to those who deal with this for years. Especially those with kids who still try for years.

I think I'd have more resolve if we didn't have kids already. But since we have 3 I keep going why am I putting myself through all this? And then I hear a pregnancy announcement and it's like being punched in the chest and all I can think is I need to be pregnant!

Someday this will all be a bad memory, right?