Some Whining

I don't mean to be so negative or dramatic. I really don't. I am just trying to be honest. This is my place to be completely honest. To vent it out.

I am so grateful that I have had 2 successful pregnancies and 3 living children. I really am. I know most people see my 3 kids and can't imagine why I'd want more.

And while I love having twins, I feel cheated. Most people with 3 kids got to have 3 pregnancies. I love being pregnant, so skipping one isn't a good thing for me. I feel jipped out of an experience I love because I got twins and now I have pretty much the max amount of kids society thinks I should have.

But I'm not done. I want more kids.

And now, having trouble? It just sucks. I feel like I have no right to whine with 3 healthy children, most all my pregnancies were easily conceived. But it's so hard, and it REALLY sucks, to be 9 cycles into this and still not have a sticky pregnancy out of it.

I guess I just don't know if I have any right to complain, even though it physically hurts me to see other pregnant women and newborn babies.

I watch the twins grow so fast and think, is this the last time?

I don't think I can continue on miscarrying like this either. It kills me. I am not ready to be done yet, but I don't think I can handle much more. I really don't.

Then we have my super short messed up LP, wacky cycles, wacky temps, and I just can't help but think my body is not ready to support a pregnancy right now. And while I don't want to force it to have one, neither do I want to quit trying because I want this so bad and maybe THIS cycle will be the one cycle where the stars align. If I stop trying how will I know?

I am so confused and if it weren't for DH wanting another and not wanting to stop trying I'd probably at least think of taking a break but his baby fever feeds my baby fever.

I just want this so bad. Shouldn't have to be so hard!