Hardest Yet?

Maybe this sounds bad, but I am glad that no pregnancies worked out before DH. I really believe my life would be so much worse had I not lost the 2 babies, either father is truly not a good person, not just an immature guy but just plain not a good person. One became a drug dealer and one was accused of rape a few years later.

So those weren't really hard. More relief. It wasn't right.

My first loss while married to DH was pretty hard. I guess part of me thought after having DS #1 I wouldn't go through that again. So it was a shock. But we were both unemployed and living with my dad and I know I definitely was not ready to do it again.

After the twins, that first loss was really hard. I was shocked. We had an entire week of being shocked, and then just when I started to get excited, it was over. And it was SO hard. When it happened again the next cycle I was in disbelief. But I also figured my body just wasn't ready and this was why.

All my losses were accidents. Babies I had to recover from huge shock from before I was happy.

This time however, we'd been trying for 4 months. We were sure we wanted this. When I first saw the lines getting darker those first 2 days I was ecstatic. I danced around the living room with DS #2 and DD #1. I cheered, I was over the moon.

And then on day 3 my test wasn't as dark as I was expecting it to be. I was devastated. But later I did allow myself to be convinced it was getting darker. And I began to hope again.

But then I started spotting. And I was crushed. I know I spotted with the twins but it was less then this. And I had a super dark BFP to give me hope.

And then of course I started really bleeding. And the anger set in. Not only did I try the longest I have ever had to try for this baby, but I was losing it. Not only had I had the brief moments of ecstasy, but now I was mourning it.

It's left me feeling so angry and broken. It's a new level of pain. I always told myself with my other losses I didn't have much room to complain because after all, it wasn't like the losses my friends had had where they'd been trying for months. My losses couldn't compare to theirs.

And of course no ones loss can really compare to someone else's.

But now I know this pain. I know the pain of trying and wishing and hoping and OBSESSING and the  pure excitement of a hard earned BFP, only to have it all taken away from you.

And I am not sure how to be "normal" again now. Yet another piece of innocence stolen from an experience that most people get to take for granted.