The Blues

I haven't spoken too much about it here. I mean clearly I am devastated by the recent loss.

But I have at least told DH.

I am depressed.

I have a hard time getting myself out of bed. I am so checked out right now and poor DS #1 is really at an age where he notices and he's been very unhappy. This past weekend I could barely get out of my bed and he was crying at the door begging for me and I just felt like the most awful mom in the world.

I wish it didn't effect me this bad. I wish I could say this isn't working out and it's making me depressed so I'll just stop trying and think about something else.

Trust me I've tried. But unless I shut off FB and stop talking to all my friends and don't watch TV, and avoid ever leaving the house, pregnancy and TTC is going to be constantly thrown in my face.

It physically hurts me to see ultrasounds, and bump pictures, and pregnancy updates. I want it so bad I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't. I wish I was still in the mindset pre March where I was so done having kids for a few years. I don't understand why I had to go through that. Why couldn't I have just NOT gotten pregnant? You know, like the birth control was SUPPOSED to do.

I really feel had I not had that loss, and especially the one the next month, I would never have started TTC so soon. Which wouldn't have lead to 4 months of stress and another miscarriage, which wouldn't lead to almost a month of bleeding, which wouldn't lead to me sitting here at the end of cycle #5 crying because I just don't think it's ever going to happen and I don't know what the right choice is.

I can't shut that voice up in the back of my head that tells me everyone is glad it's taking me a long time to get a sticky pregnancy since most of my friends have struggled at one time or the other TTC, and I got twins so it's only fair right?

I just hate this process. I never realized how lonely it feels even when you know other people struggling to conceive or stay pregnant as well.