What I'm Feeling

Hurt. It hurts so unbelievably much to see friends pregnant bellies and ultrasounds and hear them talk about pregnancy cravings.

Getting some fertility signs made me have to face whether or not we were going to try or prevent this cycle much sooner then I was expecting. I mean this is normal, but I thought ovulation might be delayed with the loss.

So here's what it comes down to:

I want a baby so bad it hurts. I want to be hugely pregnant. I want to see the little one on the ultrasound.

I want to fight for and successfully have a VBAC.

I want a little newborn (or two) to complete our family. Maybe for forever, maybe just for a few years.

But:

I am terrified of getting pregnant and losing it again.

I am worried this is not a good time.

I am worried even if it is the right time my family won't see it that way.

I guess those last 2 reasons kind of are all the same worry. It's mostly #1 I am worried about.

So what do I do?

I honestly don't know. I think my brain is leaning towards waiting, but my heart is leaning towards trying. I guess I'll let DH be the one to decide which part wins.